And how was our Christmas? Did she get it?

The holidays this year were a bit crazy. I got sick right as my winter break was starting. Literally, the Sunday night before my first day off I got hit with a killer cough. It was like my body was saying, "Hey, aren't you supposed to be stressed out with planning right now? Oh no? You're on vacation? Well, let's see if we can find another way to add a little stress to your system!" 

But other than that, things went really well. My mom was in town starting on Monday evening and then my Dad came into town on Christmas day. My mom and I went to the Science Museum for more "butterfly exposure therapy" for Greta. Poor kid. She really, really likes butterflies. Just not when they are too close. 

On Christmas Eve, before I put Greta to bed, I showed her the empty stockings. We looked inside hers and saw that it was empty and I told her that sometimes special things happen on Christmas Eve and that tomorrow there might be something inside her stocking. On Christmas morning, I introduced Greta to the contents of her stocking -- a mandarin orange and a booklet of stickers. She was excited about the stickers and gently pushed away the mandarin orange. (I found this very funny, since she loves oranges, but I guess maybe it was her way of saying she didn't want to eat it right now.) 

I think opening her stocking was fun and worth it, even at her young age. Over the next few days, though, she occasionally has pointed excitedly at the empty stocking and indicated that she wants to take it down and look inside. This has made me feel a little guilty for raising her expectations that, at any moment, it might be filled with treats again. It's a little hard to explain to a 21-month old that she has to wait a whole year for that trick to be performed again. But maybe it's a sign that it's time to take down the stockings and put them away for next year. 

As far as her other education on the topic of Christmas, I used a pad of stickers to help explain the nativity story to her. I explained what was going on in each step as I stuck the different major characters on a piece of paper. Stickers are a great way to interact with Greta. They provide a visual aid for whatever you're talking about, and she's just generally fascinated by any information that comes in sticker form. After I'd told the Christmas story once, she wanted to use the next sheet of the same stickers again, and so she got a second rendition of the Christmas story on the back of the same sheet of paper. Then she wanted to use her other pad of stickers -- the secular stickers -- but I didn't have another piece of paper handy and so we had to just add to the nativity scene. Suddenly, there were snowflakes, polar bears, Santa Claus and stockings at the birth of Jesus. So . . . yeah . . . I may have botched that lesson a bit. Oh well, she's 21 months. I have time to clear up any confusion. 

I have pictures that go with this post, but I am having trouble getting them off my phone. We'll see if I can add them later. 

Next Steps

It's December 21st, the winter solstice will occur in about a half hour, and I feel the impending return of sunshine like never before.

This week I am 12 weeks pregnant and feeling less terrified every day. We've made several personal announcements and are waiting to make just a few more before making this pregnancy public. I am excited and nervous, but also filled with hope and relief. Last week we had the NT scan and the results looked great. The next day, we got the results back for the Maternit21 testing that we'd had done and all of those came back negative (meaning no signs of any of the trisomies or microdeletions that that test screens for). The next day, I officially turned 12 weeks. In those three days, I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

I also have been feeling tiny flutters this week -- starting around 11w6d. I know a lot of people would say that that's crazy, but it doesn't really surprise me. I started feeling similar flutters in my first pregnancy probably around 12-13 weeks, but didn't realize what they were. At 15 weeks was when I felt my first kick from Greta, but I didn't feel it again until 17 weeks. Both of those times, I felt the kick on the outside as well as the inside. And since I have heard that you are more likely to feel the baby earlier in subsequent pregnancies, feeling the baby now seems appropriate and in line with its development, since we saw Piccol@ jumping and twitching during the ultrasound last week.

Speaking of the "@" symbol (I know we weren't, but I just typed it, so now I'm thinking about it), we will be finding out if we can call our little baby Piccolo or Piccola this time around -- and pretty soon. The Maternit21 test results are sitting on the dining room table and although we know that the contents of the envelope says that the baby screened negative for all the genetic abnormalities that it tests for, we asked the nurse not to tell us the sex and to let us open the results ourselves. We don't know how or when we're going to do this, though. It feels strange to me that we haven't even publicly announced the pregnancy and we could already know the sex. I feel a bit anxious about the fact that many people might not have time to get excited about the pregnancy or wonder whether we're having a boy or a girl before being told the sex. We waited so long with Greta -- the entire pregnancy we had no idea. It feels bizarre to know this early this time around and so I'm hesitant to open the envelope.

Obviously, there can be mix-ups or errors -- for example, if a Y-chromosome is detected I'm not sure that I'll entirely believe it quite yet, since there's a possibility that it will not be from this baby, but from cells that are left in my body from the baby boy that we lost last summer. Although it didn't flag this baby as having Trisomy 22 -- which also would have been present in cells left over from the baby we lost last summer. The lab knows my history -- so I'm not sure if they take the diagnoses and sex of the baby from the recent pregnancy into account when calculating the relative presence of the chromosomes. I've just heard that a recent boy pregnancy can throw off the results. But overall, the test accurately identifies fetal sex at a rate of 99.4%, which is definitely better odds than are given by most ultrasound technicians. So we'll see.

Do toddlers "get" Christmas?

Recently, several people have mentioned to me that Greta must be so excited for Christmas this year, now that she actually "gets it." 

It has made me wonder whether my child is more oblivious than most, whether others' understanding of a 21 month old is inaccurate, or whether there is more that I should be doing to "prep" her for the magic of the season. It is most likely one of those things, though, because my child definitely does not "get" Christmas. 

The closest we've come to that is that she has gazed in wonder at the Christmas tree a few times and has furtively touched the strand of beads that wraps around it. I guess she's also pointed at the nativity scene on our mantle and vocalized some of the animals' noises. She also is obsessed with a board book that my mom gave her that is basically the song of Jingle Bells set to pictures of adorable mice riding in a sleigh. It is fun to sing to her and certainly makes me feel like I'm involving her in the festivities more, but she just doesn't understand that there is anything particularly remarkable that she should anticipate on Christmas morning, much less, the Christmas story or anything of that ilk. 

Should we be doing something differently? 

She definitely got into the spirit of things on Halloween. We dressed her up as a puppy, which she mostly ignored, but she very much enjoyed the ritual of waiting for the children to arrive at her grandparents' house, going to get the silver bowl of candy, etc. I don't think she would have "gotten" Halloween without the tutelage of her grandmother, though, who explained the procedure to her while they waited at the door. 

So should we be doing the same with Christmas? Telling her the Christmas story? Showing her the stockings and explaining that treats would appear (we have not yet bought any presents for her stocking -- oops) on Christmas morning? Or is she too young to understand this in advance and it is best to explain it in-process, the way that she was explained the rituals of Halloween? Or, should we appreciate the fact that our child currently has no expectations of this holiday -- whereas she likely will for the rest of her life -- and enjoy the fact that we don't have to stress about meeting her expectations? 

Milestone

It's December 11 and I am 11w1d pregnant with our new little addition, who we've nicknamed Piccol@ Bambin@, or just "Piccol@" for short. This was the last day of my second pregnancy -- I was 11w1d when we found out that Sparkie had passed away at 7.5 weeks. I can't believe how long it took us to get to this milestone. Since our miscarriage was a "missed miscarriage" (first diagnosed via ultrasound and not due to any signs such as bleeding), it's hard to feel confident that we've "made it." Instead, I still feel anxious.

However, we do know that the baby has made it to at least 10w1d, since that was when I had my most recent ultrasound and the baby was measuring on-track and had a good heartbeat. As if in response to my anxiety at this time, I also am feeling more pregnant than ever. I am more nauseated this week, and much, much more exhausted. I don't remember ever feeling this exhausted or nauseas with Sparkie, although my belly was protruding as much as it is now.

Even with the reassurance of ultrasounds and symptoms, my anxiety levels are high. Last week they drew my blood to do the MaterniT21 testing -- a non-invasive test that examines the baby's chromosomes in the mother's blood and can test for trisomy disorders like the one that Sparkie had. I know that I should feel relieved, knowing that we will have some pretty solid information about the baby's health within a week or so. However, instead I find myself feeling more nervous, knowing that amidst all the busyness of pre-Christmas work, we might be getting a phone call with some devastating news.

I feel very lucky that, since our first OB appointment at 8 weeks, we haven't had to go more than about 2 weeks at a time without further confirmation of viability. We had an ultrasound at 8 weeks, one at 10w1d (when I went in for the blood draw and to discuss the tests with the OB) and we'll have another on Monday at 11w5d. This has helped a lot. One of the hardest parts of losing Sparkie was the overwhelming feeling that I "should have known." That Sparkie had died for nearly a month and I was walking around blissfully unaware.  Even though I worry about whether Piccol@ is still okay, I at least know that s/he was okay as of just last week. That brings this mama some peace of mind . . . and belly.

Dude, where's my period?

So my period was due today. It's 8:22pm on Thursday, October 23, and there are no signs of it.

I wasn't expecting it either. On Sunday, I got a positive pregnancy test. Actually, I got five of them. And then ten more between Sunday and today. I think with each of the previous two pregnancies, I took about 3 tests each. But this was the first time that I had a supply or Internet "cheapie" strip tests, as well as a few boxes of the more traditional plastic stick tests. And who doesn't want to see the word "pregnant" on a digital? And then I had heard of these cheap tests at Walmart where you get to use an eye-dropper, and so my scientific interest was piqued.... I may have gone a little overboard with purchasing pregnancy tests in the weeks after ovulation. But now that I have all of them, I feel like it would be pessimistic of me not to pee on them, right? Like I'm assuming that I'll need them for a future pregnancy?

Anyway, I don't feel a need to justify myself. This pregnancy is different. With my other two, I thought I would be a "crazy peestick lady" if I took a test before my period was late. And I was shaking in my shoes when I took those tests. This time, I tested early. 8 DPO: negative. 9 DPO: negative. 10 dpo, 2am while visiting our friends in Stevens Point: just barely a line -- so faint that Ben couldn't see it and I have to hold it just so in order to spot it. 10 DPO 6pm, after getting home from our road trip back from Wisconsin: clear positives on five tests.

There has been a downside to testing early, which is that once I had tested, I was pregnant (yay!) and had to adjust to all the pregnancy taboos (nay!), but still didn't feel like it was real. I strongly suspected that my period would come right on time and it would be like it had never happened. My abundant supply of cheap pregnancy tests has helped, though, and I have enjoyed watching the lines get darker each day. It's fascinating!

It also helped when the scheduling person at the OB-GYN clinic didn't hesitate to schedule me for an intake appointment at 8 weeks, despite the fact that it had been less than 4 weeks since my last menstrual period when I called. I was so surprised! I have never had an appointment that starts with an ultrasound before, as this is not how my midwife practice works. I had expected the first appointment to not be until 10 weeks, and that I would have to call ahead and claim "confusion" over my dates in order to get an ultrasound at 8 weeks for my own reassurance. I was very pleased that I could come in for a routine ultrasound and intake at 8 weeks -- exactly when I had hoped to have my first ultrasound, since our second pregnancy loss occurred at 7 and a half weeks, but wasn't discovered until 11 weeks, and that discrepancy had played a large role in the trauma of our loss.

As strange as it may sound, I actually feel less anxious then I thought I would have. I'm not sure how to explain that, as I had expected to feel absolutely terrified. And I am feeling even fewer symptoms than last time. And when I went in for the ovarian cyst, the urgent care doctor seemed to suggest that he thought I had a low chance of conceiving that cycle and should have waited because my lining would not yet be able to sustain a pregnancy. (He's not an OB-GYN, but the last thing I needed to hear on the day of ovulation was that any conception that might occur was unlikely to be followed
 by healthy implantation.)

I can't explain it. So much seems stacked against us. But in the end, I think I just have a lot more trust that things will be okay. No matter what might happen tomorrow, my pregnancy test is pinker today than it was yesterday, and I am going to try not to let fear prevent me from enjoying my little poppyseed.

Update

So it's been awhile.

Greta is approaching her 19 month birthday. We've had many ups and downs since our last post. Life has been full of new challenges, joys and sorrows and it's been difficult to keep up on here.

On July 4th, we found out that we were expecting another baby. We spent the next few months toughing out the morning sickness, preparing for a two-year age gap between kiddos, and announcing the pregnancy to some friends and family as we saw them.

We were devastated when we found out at an 11-week ultrasound that the baby had passed away a few weeks earlier. I had had no bleeding. No warning signs except the fact that my midwife couldn't find the heartbeat at my 10-week appointment. This hadn't surprised me, since the same thing had happened when I was pregnant with Greta and our follow-up ultrasound with her had revealed a squirming baby. We had gone into our ultrasound this time with the expectation that we would be reassured, not blindsided.

I could write a vivid entry on the painful experience of that day. As much as it is all a blur, I also remember elements with exquisite detail. The sound of the tech's voice. The images on the ultrasound. Staring blankly at Zoe Saldana's smiling face on the cover of a magazine while we waited for the OBGYN to come explain to us our options. Calling my mom to tell her what had happened. But reliving those memories only brings me more stinging tears, so I'm going to stop myself there.

I got a D&C the same day and we prepared to return to life as a family of three.

Everything since then has been a bit of a mess. A week later I nearly fainted at work and had to go to the Urgent Care to get checked out. Everything was fine -- just out of whack. A couple weeks after that, I had a dentist appointment and found out that I needed a root canal, which I got. That same week, my first period came and there were more tears. It was a very painful (literally -- I've never had cramps that bad before) reminder of what we had lost. A few weeks after that we received the pathology report telling us why the baby had died (an extra copy of chromosome 22) and that he had been a little boy. More tears. Last week I was having severe abdominal pain and found out that I'd had a ruptured ovarian cyst that was hemorrhaging fluid.

Are we feeling broken? Yes.

Greta is considerably less-broken than the rest of us. I am grateful that she is too young to understand what anguish we are suffering. Aside from a few nasty rounds of teething, she's actually thriving.

She is surprising me everyday with what she understands and what she uses her voice to say. A few examples:

She frequently requests help with getting into her little chair and being pushed in against her matching table. She then gestures to the other (tiny) chair and commands that you "sit, sit" as well. She continues this until you pretend to sit on the tiny chair, fearing all the while that you will break it.

She is starting to pronounce more "p" sounds. She says "papa" now instead of "baba" when referring to Ben. She also says "hop" more often, rather than her previous "ha." It seems as though everyday there is a new sound that she makes that sounds closer to the actual word than it did previously.

She is also walking with much more confidence. When I hold her hand and walk down the sidewalk, I don't feel like I have to slow down for her very much anymore. I can walk along with her at a nice stroll. She loves holding hands while walking down the street  -- particularly if she gets one parent's finger in each of her hands and we walk with her between us. Ironically, this hand-holding interest sometimes fades at the moments when we approach an intersection, and there is some whining when she loses her walking privileges for not holding hands at the street.

Similar mini-tantrums also occasionally break out when she is required to sit in the stroller or the carseat. I am looking forward to the age at which this will pass -- particularly for the carseat, since there is no other option but to fight her until she is seated and buckled. I knew this day was coming, but it's no fun for anyone until she grows out of it. It's so frustrating to have to limit your mobility because outings aren't easy or fun with an upset toddler. Fortunately, though, she typically settles quickly after she is buckled. Whether it is the stroller or the carseat, she's actually a pretty easy-going kid.

This laid-back attitude has also made it very easy to wean, which we've just recently accomplished. I actually don't think I even did anything to wean her, per se, so it's not much of an "accomplishment." I don't even remember exactly when it was that I nursed her last. Yesterday I just turned to Ben and said, "Oh wow. I think Greta's weaned." Just like that. She'd been requesting to nurse less frequently. I'd been offering to nurse less frequently. Gradually, and yet all of a sudden, it happened. I feel bittersweet about this transition. It feels sad to stop nursing just as it gets natural and easy. On the other hand, it's nice to be fully done, rather than worrying about being forever stuck in a half-weaned limbo. I think the most important thing to me is that Greta seems totally content. Just now, I put her to bed on my own because Ben was at a work event. It was probably the first time I've done the entire bedtime routine on my own and not nursed her. It was as close to effortless as a toddler's bedtime can be. She doesn't even seem to remember that we used to nurse at this time -- which is, of course, a relief and a rejection all at the same time.

So that's our update. Joys and sorrows.

15 Month Update

A few days ago, I realized that I couldn't remember the last time I'd seen Greta crawl. It's probably been a couple weeks at least. Even when I put her down on her hands and knees, she immediately pushes into a quick "downward dog" yoga pose and is standing again in a moment. When we go out and about with her, we have to remember to bring shoes -- real shoes, the kind with a hard rubber sole -- so that she isn't constrained to her stroller or shopping cart or our arms. This evening we went to Target and she got pretty sick of the shopping cart after awhile. I kept starting to put her down on the floor so that she could hold my hand and toddle alongside me, but then I'd remember that we'd forgotten to bring shoes and she was just in her bare feet. It's such a strange transition! Seeing our little baby walking around is such an everyday occurrence now, but some of our habits (like scooping up our child and taking her out to the car with no shoes on) are still ingrained in us. 

In addition to all the walking, she's also becoming more communicative and interactive. She has several running jokes and her giggles are infectious. Some of the things that amuse her these days: 

• When I am nursing her, she will often end up with her foot up by my face. So then I kiss her toes and she giggles. (Luckily, she's able to giggle with a nipple in her mouth without causing me pain, although it's made me nervous!) 
• She likes pointing at her nose, the nose of a stuffed animal, your nose --  and then something that's not a nose (like a coaster). This sends her into a fit of giggles. 
• One day, I put my face down on the ottoman. She thought this was hilarious. So now she will routinely go over to the ottoman, put her face into the cushion, and crack up. Then I'll do the same and she is rolling on the floor with laughter. Then she'll do it again too. We can spend a good 10 minutes on this "game." I have no idea why she finds it so funny, but it's fun to watch her so entertained and it gives me a chance to rest my head. 

Her communication skills have really taken off -- in particular her receptive language skills. She seems to understand a lot more and will respond when we tell her things. Some examples: 

• She's gotten a lot better at "clean up." She will help put things away and will proudly show me things that she has picked up and let me direct her to where they should be put.
• If we ask her something like, "Are you ready for lunch? Where do we go to eat?" she will go to her high chair. When she's hungry, she will also go to her high chair. 
• She's a little bit better at communicating her diaper needs. Today, when I was prompting her to go to her high chair for lunch with question similar to the ones above, she looked at her high chair, pointed at it, but then reached up and patted me on the thighs and looked at her diaper changing station. Sure enough, when I picked her up and gave her a sniff, she was in need of a change before getting into the high chair. 
• She has a few signs that she uses somewhat consistently. She will often say "guh guh" and put her palm to her mouth when she wants something to drink. (This is, I think, a modification of the sign for "water" that we use with her.) She will also make the "eat" sign some of the time and she can sometimes sign "more" and "all done." (Usually in response to us asking her, "Do you want more? Or are you all done?" and showing her the signs for each.) 
• In general, if there's something she wants, she will point at it emphatically and say something that sounds kind of like, "get get" until we figure out what it is that she wants.
• When asked, she can point to her nose and hair consistently. She usually can also point to her eyes, mouth and ears.  
• When she hears a dog barking, she gets quiet, waits for it to finish and then says, "Vau vau vau vau vau." In the last week, I've noticed that she also does this when she sees a dog -- or even a picture of a dog -- regardless of whether she hears the barking. 

Although we absolutely love all the new and exciting changes that are happening, toddlerhood definitely has its challenges. When your screaming infant develops into a communicative little girl, it's hard to see her have a meltdown for no apparent reason. You get used to being able to understand what's going on and it's hard to feel that sense of helplessness again. It makes me feel even more excited for the changes that are yet to come, though. Knowing how much of a difference the small changes in communication are making is enough of a reminder that it gets a lot easier as they learn to show and tell you what's going on.