The Seven Stages of Morning Sickness

I know that every woman experiences morning sickness differently, and that it is often different for the same woman during different pregnancies. Here's a run-down of how I've experienced morning sickness so far in this pregnancy. 

Stage 1: Anticipation
The day after we saw the two lines on the pregnancy test, we had to get up early in the morning and head off to Switzerland. In order to do this, we boarded a vaparetto (a water bus) to go to the train station. To board the vaparetto, you get on this little floating station. The moment that I stepped onto it, I felt a wave of intense nausea. I didn't know whether I would throw up or break out in a cold sweat. I thought to myself, "Oh no, this is it." 

Luckily for me, that particular feeling was kind of a one-time deal. I've actually never felt quite like that again through this whole pregnancy. I have felt awful, mind you, but not like the nausea that I experienced in that moment. And it took a good week and a half before I felt noticeable nausea of any sort again. 

During that week, though, I had a lot of anxiety about whether that feeling would return again when I hit six weeks, whether it would be like that the entire pregnancy, whether I would never want to eat again or whether I would be able to keep any food in my stomach for the next several months. I tried my best to appreciate every day that I felt good and not get too nervous on the days when I'd start to feel bad. 

Stage 2: Panic I
The first time I threw up, it was scary. I don't throw up often. More often than not, I think I will throw up and then am wildly unsuccessful at doing so. So it surprised me when I did. And it surprised me even more when I felt a little better after doing so. The process of throwing up is just awful. There is nothing that could make me feel any better in that moment, but there was a definite sense of relief when it was over. 

Still, I told myself,  perhaps I'd be like other women I've known . . . who experienced bad morning sickness, but only threw up a few times. 

Stage 3: Mini-Acceptance
By the end of that weekend, I'd already thrown up three times and I gave up my dream of a low-vomit pregnancy. Throughout the next couple of weeks, I learned that there was little that I could do to prevent myself from throwing up. I figured out how to tell whether I would need to or not and learned that vomiting and nausea often had little to do with one another. I tried to look on the bright side. At least I was able to feel some relief from vomiting, instead of feeling sick all the time. At least I was able to keep most of my food down. At least I wasn't being admitted to the hospital for IV fluids because I was vomiting so much. There were plenty of things to be grateful for, and I still had the end of the first trimester to look forward to. 

Stage 4: Panic II
My next wave of panic came when my vomiting started to get worse and more painful. I will spare you the particular details of why this became so, but suffice it to say, I have learned through experience that there are different types of vomit and they result in varying experiences. This also came around the time when everyone around me started to say, "Well, at least this is the worst of it and it should start getting better now." And yet it never seemed to. It was also around the time when several people reacted with surprise when I told them that I had morning sickness. It made me realize that perhaps I had it worse than I'd thought. That perhaps the "norm" is to throw up only occasionally or not at all, and that I didn't have as much to be grateful for as I'd thought. 

It didn't help that I got a sinus infection around this time and was suffering from post-nasal drip and coughing. Kinda difficult to avoid vomiting when you're gagging on phlegm. 

Stage 5: Pride
I experienced a stage in which I would tell myself, "Yeah! You're a badass mama for throwing up all the time! Look at you, being all hardcore!"

This was, as you might expect, the briefest of stages. 

Stage 6: Panic III
As I've entered the second trimester with little change, panic has set in once more. I've passed all the other milestones that folks have reported to me -- that it would get better at 10 weeks, at 12 weeks, at 13 weeks, at 14 weeks. At this point, if it's not better yet, there's no particular reassurance of when it will end. When people find out that I'm still throwing up, there's a sympathetic nod rather than a quick assurance that the end is in sight. 

I've also noticed a disturbing lack of relief after vomiting. It used to be that I would feel immediately better (not normal, but better) and now I've started to notice that throwing up makes me feel worse or the same. 

I really hate to throw up, but it's not even about that anymore. It's the feeling that the second trimester -- that most blissful of times -- may slip out from under me because I still feel awful. The panic comes from wondering whether this will stay with me throughout what it supposed to be the best part of pregnancy. It comes from worrying that it will stick with me right up until morning sickness turns into labor vomiting. 

Stage 7: ?
I don't know what stage 7 holds because I'm not there yet. But I'm hoping it's something like "relief" or "acceptance." Either of those would be okay. Even if it doesn't go away, I'd like to be able to gracefully accept that the second trimester may not be as blissful as I'd imagined and that the third trimester may just be all-around rough. I'll let you know what stage 7 is and what it brings with it when it happens. 

I really am grateful for the fact that I'm able to have times when I am nausea-free. I know that some people never get that feeling.