So Close and Yet So Far

The hardest part of the end of pregnancy is not so much the waiting, but the wondering. It feels like just about every day, I experience some kind of "Is this it?" feelings. The truth of the matter is, I wouldn't mind waiting awhile. I'd actually prefer it if this baby waited another week or so. But instead, I find myself unable to relax and just have fun and wait because I'm always in a state of pre-labor.

Monday evening, I felt very ill. Almost like a hangover, or the beginning of the flu. Nausea, headache, general body aches. By the evening, it had developed into contractions, but ones that I could distract myself from. That evening, I woke up with contractions several times, but by the time I woke up I mostly just felt sick again.

During the day on Tuesday, I expected throughout much of the day that I would go into labor. In fact, I never even left the house because I was so certain that labor was going to start at any moment. I was actually quite surprised when evening came and it hadn't developed into anything exciting.

Wednesday morning, I woke up with a headache and sore muscles but I forced myself to get up and install the car seat base while the weather was still cool. After that, I went for a long walk with Greta and we got some breakfast. On the walk back, I was getting very sore and crampy. I was actually kind of grateful that Greta wanted to push her stroller because it forced us to walk at a slow pace on the way home. Unfortunately, it didn't tire her out as much as it tired me out, and so Ben (who is sick with some kind of cold/sinus problem) and I had to struggle with getting her down for a nap before we could get some rest ourselves. (Thankfully, she did sleep and so did we!) That evening after she went to bed, I had really bad cramps and pulling sensations down in my lower abdomen and cervix. It was very unpleasant, but I managed to breathe through them and distracted myself with Netflix before falling asleep.

That brings us to last night. I woke up at 2am with INTENSE pain. It was like the worst period cramps of my life. Radiating all around my back and abdomen and down my legs (in particular, my right leg). It reminded me of when I woke up in labor with Greta -- just intense pain, with no discernible starting and stopping. I had told myself that this time, if something happened in the middle of the night, I would be better about letting Ben sleep as much as possible and deal with it on my own so that at least one of us could be well-rested. But I was in so much pain.

This sucks. Here I'd thought I was going to be so much better at handling contractions this time because I was going to get a break in-between them this time unlike with Greta. All of those "practice contractions" convinced me that I was going to have an easier labor and that I wouldn't have to deal with the overwhelming non-stop pain this time. And here I am, 2am and I'm waking up with non-stop pain just like last time. My body just doesn't know what early labor is supposed to be like. It's like it never read the manual. 

I needed to heat up my heating pad and eat something so that I could take Tylenol, but I couldn't fathom making it down the stairs because I could barely stand up without the pain causing me to double over. I felt awful about waking up my sick husband, but I couldn't manage on my own. I woke Ben and he got the heating pad which helped tremendously. He made me a multigrain waffle and I ate it and took some Tylenol while he went back to sleep. I watched more Netflix until the pain faded enough that I could fall asleep again.

This is it. I know this feeling exactly. This is labor, or at least how my body "does" labor. I need to sleep now because I'm not going to get any more sleep for the next 28 hours (or maybe even more this time). Let's see if I can do it. 

This morning when I woke up, I felt okay. Not great, but definitely nothing like what I'd experienced at 2am. I was afraid to move. When I'd move even just a little bit, I'd be hit by a cramp. I decided that, since my position was making a significant difference in how my cramps felt, it was probably not "real" labor. I forced myself to get out of bed, to eat some food, to drink some fluids, and to move around. With a little more time, I felt better.

And that brings me to now. Feeling utterly confused. What's it going to be like this time? Is it going to be a more "normal" process? Or was last night an indicator that it's going to be just like last time? Why did I have to go through that horrible pain if I wasn't going to have a baby today? Is my body just confused? On June 12 when I was convinced that I was in labor, the timing was indicative of active labor, but the intensity was not. This time, the intensity was there, but the timing was not.

I feel sore and the baby feels, perhaps, a bit lower. But other than that, I'm pretty sure nothing is going to come of last night's events. I'd really appreciate it if we could have a quiet and restful few days, followed by an actual labor and delivery. C'mon Piccola! You can do it!