My belly hurts. Not like a stomach-ache (although I get that too), but the muscles and skin and whole abdominal area just hurts. I think I had thought that I couldn't get much bigger, and I don't take weekly photos, so it's hard to tell for sure . . . but I think I can safely say that I am still growing quite a bit based on how my belly feels. It feels heavy and taut. It's harder to take deep breaths and I'm easily made breathless by activities that shouldn't make me feel breathless.
I'm amazed by my pregnant body. It feels so different than just the extra weight. I have been heavier than my current weight even when not pregnant, and so I have a certain appreciation for how different it feels to be pregnant. Despite the fact that it's still me, it feels so foreign and bizarre and out-of-control when one gets to this stage. Coughing feels uncomfortable in so many places that aren't just my chest. Turning over in bed is a very . . . real struggle. I often wish that I had long ropes attached to each side of the bed so that I could use them to help me rotate. The emergency room visit a few weeks ago due to severe abdominal pain caused by either a gallbladder attack or some kind of insane muscle spasm has made me terrified of both high-fat foods (gallbladder attack?) and sitting up in bed (muscle spasm?). In particular, I hate turning over or sitting up in bed. I always now feel like it is somehow an extremely risky experience. I can't handle the idea of the pain of that evening again . . . and then when I freak out over the memories of my gallbladder/muscle spasm pain, I worry that I've forgotten too much of what labor is like and I am woefully unprepared to go through it again.
I've had labor and birth on my mind a great deal. We've registered for labor/birth classes and I am in the process of writing a birth plan. I feel comfortable and confident some days, and completely terrified at others. I think it will help when we have the house more prepared, but I'm too exhausted to get excited about any nesting projects right now.
I've added a weekly countdown to my due date to the whiteboard in my classroom. I am surprised by which students seem to take an active interest in it. Sometimes I wonder whether they are just eager for me to have my baby and leave them in the care of a substitute (despite the fact that I've told them they should expect me to be with them all the way until the end of the schoolyear, since there are only 3 weeks left of school, but 6 weeks left until my due date). But I know that some of them are genuinely interested in the fact that we are getting closer to the big day.
I'd be excited too, if I weren't so gosh darn terrified.
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
Sunday, April 26, 2015
30 Weeks! Let the countdown begin!
I'm currently 30 weeks pregnant and getting excited for the home stretch. I remember getting to the last 10 weeks with Greta and feeling like every week was this huge chip away at the remaining time.
30 weeks pregnant means that there are 7 weeks left in the schoolyear. This is both exciting and terrifying. I'm looking forward to the last 7 weeks going by quickly (please! please!), and hoping that the last three weeks of pregnancy will go by nice and slowly (so long as I'm still relatively comfortable and healthy, of course). I fully expect Piccola to wait until her due date to arrive, although I must admit I am hoping that she doesn't come much later than that. I am really, really hoping that she doesn't arrive on July 4. July 4 was the day that we found out we were pregnant with Sparkie last year. I'm sure, if it happens, with time it will simply become Piccola's birthday and I won't have such strong associations with Sparkie. But I'd just rather not go there at all. I'm just really hoping that Piccola makes her appearance before that anniversary.
In pregnancy news, I'm feeling her kicking around quite often now. These are the days when I'm actually glad that I have an anterior placenta -- Piccola's kicks are consistent, but still mostly pleasant and fun. It is rare that she delivers a jab that is truly painful -- and usually when it happens it is to the cervix, which makes sense because it is (thankfully) not covered with placenta.
I still sometimes have to stop myself and recognize that we are going to have a baby in 10 weeks or so. A baby. What should I be doing? How should I be preparing? I feel weirdly even more clueless than with my first baby. I think it's because, ultimately, a newborn doesn't need all that much and can't get into all that much trouble. The rest of us adults can adapt to the newborn and we can decide as we go how we're going to do that. But a newborn entering a home with a toddler? That's a whole different picture. I have no clue what that's going to look like to get Greta on board with our adaptations.
Today I took Greta out for a walk and she was very upset that I made her ride in the stroller when she wouldn't listen to directions about holding my hand. I thought about how grateful I am that we have a double stroller so that I can have both kids buckled in at the same time. I also thought about how scary it would be if the single stroller had had a little baby in it when I was reaching for my disobedient toddler.
The biggest worries that I have right now are around whether to speed up or slow down Greta's transition from babyhood to childhood. She's in a crib right now -- do we transition her to a toddler bed before or after the baby's arrival? She's in diapers -- do we potty train now or after the baby arrives. With 10 weeks left to go, I feel like we have to fish or cut bait. Either we can make these transitions now and have enough time that she might not regress when the baby arrives, or we have to wait until after we've settled in with our new arrival. I feel like waiting until the last couple weeks of pregnancy to make big changes is a bad idea. It's just darn awkward timing.
And then, besides the baby's arrival, there's the worries about the actual birth. At this point, I'm sort of in la-la land about that. I'm just kind of assuming things will go however they're going to go and there's not much I can do to prepare. Which is probably mostly accurate. But I'd like to be somewhat prepared. Maybe have a few breathing techniques in my back pocket. Certainly have a bag packed. Perhaps have purchased some supplies for taking care of myself during and after labor.
There's a lot to do in these last 10 weeks. It's hard to focus on anything except surviving the last 7 weeks of school, though. Head down, power through.
30 weeks pregnant means that there are 7 weeks left in the schoolyear. This is both exciting and terrifying. I'm looking forward to the last 7 weeks going by quickly (please! please!), and hoping that the last three weeks of pregnancy will go by nice and slowly (so long as I'm still relatively comfortable and healthy, of course). I fully expect Piccola to wait until her due date to arrive, although I must admit I am hoping that she doesn't come much later than that. I am really, really hoping that she doesn't arrive on July 4. July 4 was the day that we found out we were pregnant with Sparkie last year. I'm sure, if it happens, with time it will simply become Piccola's birthday and I won't have such strong associations with Sparkie. But I'd just rather not go there at all. I'm just really hoping that Piccola makes her appearance before that anniversary.
In pregnancy news, I'm feeling her kicking around quite often now. These are the days when I'm actually glad that I have an anterior placenta -- Piccola's kicks are consistent, but still mostly pleasant and fun. It is rare that she delivers a jab that is truly painful -- and usually when it happens it is to the cervix, which makes sense because it is (thankfully) not covered with placenta.
I still sometimes have to stop myself and recognize that we are going to have a baby in 10 weeks or so. A baby. What should I be doing? How should I be preparing? I feel weirdly even more clueless than with my first baby. I think it's because, ultimately, a newborn doesn't need all that much and can't get into all that much trouble. The rest of us adults can adapt to the newborn and we can decide as we go how we're going to do that. But a newborn entering a home with a toddler? That's a whole different picture. I have no clue what that's going to look like to get Greta on board with our adaptations.
Today I took Greta out for a walk and she was very upset that I made her ride in the stroller when she wouldn't listen to directions about holding my hand. I thought about how grateful I am that we have a double stroller so that I can have both kids buckled in at the same time. I also thought about how scary it would be if the single stroller had had a little baby in it when I was reaching for my disobedient toddler.
The biggest worries that I have right now are around whether to speed up or slow down Greta's transition from babyhood to childhood. She's in a crib right now -- do we transition her to a toddler bed before or after the baby's arrival? She's in diapers -- do we potty train now or after the baby arrives. With 10 weeks left to go, I feel like we have to fish or cut bait. Either we can make these transitions now and have enough time that she might not regress when the baby arrives, or we have to wait until after we've settled in with our new arrival. I feel like waiting until the last couple weeks of pregnancy to make big changes is a bad idea. It's just darn awkward timing.
And then, besides the baby's arrival, there's the worries about the actual birth. At this point, I'm sort of in la-la land about that. I'm just kind of assuming things will go however they're going to go and there's not much I can do to prepare. Which is probably mostly accurate. But I'd like to be somewhat prepared. Maybe have a few breathing techniques in my back pocket. Certainly have a bag packed. Perhaps have purchased some supplies for taking care of myself during and after labor.
There's a lot to do in these last 10 weeks. It's hard to focus on anything except surviving the last 7 weeks of school, though. Head down, power through.
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
The Rough Days of Pregnancy
We're in the third trimester. And things are getting tough.
Last week I had a cold/hot/clammy dizzy spell and ended up having some food and lying down for about a half hour in the nurse's office at school before continuing with my day. That evening, I had seven hours of painful, semi-regular contractions. They eventually spaced out and I was seen in clinic the next day and there hadn't been any cervical changes, so we just sat down and made a plan of action for finding opportunities to drink more water and empty my bladder more frequently throughout the day.
Then yesterday I actually fainted. During 2nd block, in front of my students. I felt embarrassed and frustrated. It was likely just due to a bad combination of low blood sugar and not drinking enough. (My co-teacher was unavailable because he was filling in for another staff member and so I wasn't taking care of myself the way I usually do.) I left work early, moved up my midwife appointment, and made another plan -- this time to eat more frequently to keep my blood sugar up.
That afternoon, Ben and I went to get some food and then headed home so I could rest. I was lying down and then got up to use the restroom. As I was sitting up, I suddenly felt a bad pain in my upper abdomen. I gasped and held my belly and stumbled to the bathroom, hoping it would improve after emptying my bladder. The pain continued and, in fact, got considerably worse. I called out to Ben in a panic. I was pushing on the top of my abdomen because it felt like my belly was about to explode outward. It felt like a combination of an uncontrollable pushing contraction, mixed with the baby lodging a foot behind my placenta. I don't know that that makes much sense, but that was the only thing that came to mind.
I asked Ben to get me a hot pack and to Google whether it was okay to use one on my belly. When he brought it back, I was standing in the doorway, swaying and holding my belly. I put it on my belly a few times, but the pain was the same or worse and so I took it off. I was moaning and pushing on my belly, which felt hard and like it was bulging. I was gasping and having a hard time breathing in and I told Ben I thought I should call the midwife on-call line. I called and the midwife on-call directed me to go to the ER immediately, and to go to the ER at the hospital where they could deliver a 28-weeker, if necessary.
By the time we got to the hospital, the pain had subsided considerably. It felt more like just gas pain or heartburn or a muscle ache. After several tests and some monitoring of the baby's heartrate, the midwife who saw me felt convinced that it was probably due to a muscle spasm of the thinned walls of my abdomen where the muscles separate -- perhaps compounded by the baby pushing on the muscles as they spasmed, and perhaps also compounded by gas or heartburn pain.
As happy as I was that the baby was okay and that nothing that I was experiencing was putting either of us at considerable risk, it was also very scary to know that there was virtually nothing I could do to prevent this kind of pain from happening again. I am hoping it was a fluke accident and I am thinking I should do more to strengthen my core as much as possible . . . but I'm also afraid of straining those muscles at all now. I stayed home from work to recuperate and even talking has been difficult.
I'm also nervous because the midwife mentioned my gallbladder several times while I was there (although at the time I had no idea what she was talking about and so I wasn't really paying attention), and today I looked up what a "gallbladder attack" is like and realized that it sounded exactly like what I experienced. But without knowing if that's what it was, I'm not sure what, if anything, I should be doing.
I think that this is my modus operandi during pregnancy. I seem to have a lot of frustrating, painful, uncomfortable stuff happen to me (like fainting, dizzy spells, braxton hicks contractions, sciatica, food poisoning, this weird muscle spasm/gallbladder attack, anemia, nosebleeds -- oh yeah, more on that in a bit...), some of it very scary, and then it turns out to be relatively normal and without much that can be done for treatment (except the anemia, for which I take iron and then suffer the side effects of that). Am I a wimp? Or just super unlucky?
Speaking of unlucky . . . the nosebleeds. Holy moly, this is a new thing with this pregnancy. I don't remember having any trouble with nosebleeds when I was pregnant with Greta. I have been having bad nosebleeds from my right nostril for a few weeks now. At least a couple a week, and sometimes more than one in a day. They got worse last week after I began having a bad cold and needing to blow my nose more frequently. No matter how gentle I am about blowing my nose (or even if I am only blowing the side that doesn't bleed), I run the risk of starting a gushing stream of blood. The morning that I fainted, I had been awakened at 3am with a nosebleed, which took a long time to stop and then didn't allow me to get back to sleep because I couldn't lie in a good position. At other times, I have had one start just as I am getting ready to go out the door -- necessitating a prolonged period of management and then clean-up, followed by a complete change of clothes.
Yeah, the third trimester is rough. I am so grateful that the baby is doing so well (the nurses and midwives commented that her heart accelerations were particularly good for a 28-week fetus), but I am really hoping I can get a few weeks of just blissful pregnant-lady normalcy before the summer heat sets in and we get to those last few weeks where I know I'll be especially uncomfortable.
C'mon, Piccola! Just one or two weeks to enjoy my pregnancy? Pretty please?
Last week I had a cold/hot/clammy dizzy spell and ended up having some food and lying down for about a half hour in the nurse's office at school before continuing with my day. That evening, I had seven hours of painful, semi-regular contractions. They eventually spaced out and I was seen in clinic the next day and there hadn't been any cervical changes, so we just sat down and made a plan of action for finding opportunities to drink more water and empty my bladder more frequently throughout the day.
Then yesterday I actually fainted. During 2nd block, in front of my students. I felt embarrassed and frustrated. It was likely just due to a bad combination of low blood sugar and not drinking enough. (My co-teacher was unavailable because he was filling in for another staff member and so I wasn't taking care of myself the way I usually do.) I left work early, moved up my midwife appointment, and made another plan -- this time to eat more frequently to keep my blood sugar up.
That afternoon, Ben and I went to get some food and then headed home so I could rest. I was lying down and then got up to use the restroom. As I was sitting up, I suddenly felt a bad pain in my upper abdomen. I gasped and held my belly and stumbled to the bathroom, hoping it would improve after emptying my bladder. The pain continued and, in fact, got considerably worse. I called out to Ben in a panic. I was pushing on the top of my abdomen because it felt like my belly was about to explode outward. It felt like a combination of an uncontrollable pushing contraction, mixed with the baby lodging a foot behind my placenta. I don't know that that makes much sense, but that was the only thing that came to mind.
I asked Ben to get me a hot pack and to Google whether it was okay to use one on my belly. When he brought it back, I was standing in the doorway, swaying and holding my belly. I put it on my belly a few times, but the pain was the same or worse and so I took it off. I was moaning and pushing on my belly, which felt hard and like it was bulging. I was gasping and having a hard time breathing in and I told Ben I thought I should call the midwife on-call line. I called and the midwife on-call directed me to go to the ER immediately, and to go to the ER at the hospital where they could deliver a 28-weeker, if necessary.
By the time we got to the hospital, the pain had subsided considerably. It felt more like just gas pain or heartburn or a muscle ache. After several tests and some monitoring of the baby's heartrate, the midwife who saw me felt convinced that it was probably due to a muscle spasm of the thinned walls of my abdomen where the muscles separate -- perhaps compounded by the baby pushing on the muscles as they spasmed, and perhaps also compounded by gas or heartburn pain.
As happy as I was that the baby was okay and that nothing that I was experiencing was putting either of us at considerable risk, it was also very scary to know that there was virtually nothing I could do to prevent this kind of pain from happening again. I am hoping it was a fluke accident and I am thinking I should do more to strengthen my core as much as possible . . . but I'm also afraid of straining those muscles at all now. I stayed home from work to recuperate and even talking has been difficult.
I'm also nervous because the midwife mentioned my gallbladder several times while I was there (although at the time I had no idea what she was talking about and so I wasn't really paying attention), and today I looked up what a "gallbladder attack" is like and realized that it sounded exactly like what I experienced. But without knowing if that's what it was, I'm not sure what, if anything, I should be doing.
I think that this is my modus operandi during pregnancy. I seem to have a lot of frustrating, painful, uncomfortable stuff happen to me (like fainting, dizzy spells, braxton hicks contractions, sciatica, food poisoning, this weird muscle spasm/gallbladder attack, anemia, nosebleeds -- oh yeah, more on that in a bit...), some of it very scary, and then it turns out to be relatively normal and without much that can be done for treatment (except the anemia, for which I take iron and then suffer the side effects of that). Am I a wimp? Or just super unlucky?
Speaking of unlucky . . . the nosebleeds. Holy moly, this is a new thing with this pregnancy. I don't remember having any trouble with nosebleeds when I was pregnant with Greta. I have been having bad nosebleeds from my right nostril for a few weeks now. At least a couple a week, and sometimes more than one in a day. They got worse last week after I began having a bad cold and needing to blow my nose more frequently. No matter how gentle I am about blowing my nose (or even if I am only blowing the side that doesn't bleed), I run the risk of starting a gushing stream of blood. The morning that I fainted, I had been awakened at 3am with a nosebleed, which took a long time to stop and then didn't allow me to get back to sleep because I couldn't lie in a good position. At other times, I have had one start just as I am getting ready to go out the door -- necessitating a prolonged period of management and then clean-up, followed by a complete change of clothes.
Yeah, the third trimester is rough. I am so grateful that the baby is doing so well (the nurses and midwives commented that her heart accelerations were particularly good for a 28-week fetus), but I am really hoping I can get a few weeks of just blissful pregnant-lady normalcy before the summer heat sets in and we get to those last few weeks where I know I'll be especially uncomfortable.
C'mon, Piccola! Just one or two weeks to enjoy my pregnancy? Pretty please?
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Two Years of Awesome
Greta turned two last week and today we had her 2 year old appointment. She's about 23 lbs and 33 inches. It's harder and harder to describe what she's up to these days. There aren't big, momentous changes the way that there were in that first year or so. Now the changes are more subtle.
She's talking more everyday, and it's fun to see her mind work. Yesterday, she had gone to the zoo with Ben's parents and sister and I'd been made aware of the fact that she might be chattering about bears and penguins as a result. So while she was eating dinner, I asked her if she had gone to the zoo, did she see bears, etc. What intrigued me was that she not only confirmed that she had seen these animals, but she elaborated that the bears had been sleeping and the penguins had been swimming, and that the penguins had also eaten fish ("Bite! Fish!" along with illustrative gestures). What surprised me most was that when I asked her about other possible animals that she may have seen ("Did you see any tigers at the zoo?") she paused, thought, and then said, "No." I had kind of suspected that when she was prompted, "Did you do x, y, and z today?" that she was always saying "yes" just to please us because of the way she was being asked the question. But it became clear from the conversation that she was truly thinking about whether she had seen each animal and answering to the best of her memory. It was kind of awesome to actually carry on a conversation with my child.
She's also starting to move more quickly -- scurrying more quickly and having stronger opinions about where she wants to go when we are out walking. This is both fun and exhausting. A trip to Target can be a bit of an adventure when she's not in her best listening mood. But it's also lots of fun. When I took her to the park recently, she not only wanted to slide down the slide, but she also pushed herself off, without me having to coax her or help her scoot close enough to the edge.
She really is just getting more fun everyday. I can't think of much more to update on. I suppose I could go on for a paragraph or two about her picky eating habits, but . . . eh . . . it's not too interesting of a discussion topic. So here are some pictures.
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She's talking more everyday, and it's fun to see her mind work. Yesterday, she had gone to the zoo with Ben's parents and sister and I'd been made aware of the fact that she might be chattering about bears and penguins as a result. So while she was eating dinner, I asked her if she had gone to the zoo, did she see bears, etc. What intrigued me was that she not only confirmed that she had seen these animals, but she elaborated that the bears had been sleeping and the penguins had been swimming, and that the penguins had also eaten fish ("Bite! Fish!" along with illustrative gestures). What surprised me most was that when I asked her about other possible animals that she may have seen ("Did you see any tigers at the zoo?") she paused, thought, and then said, "No." I had kind of suspected that when she was prompted, "Did you do x, y, and z today?" that she was always saying "yes" just to please us because of the way she was being asked the question. But it became clear from the conversation that she was truly thinking about whether she had seen each animal and answering to the best of her memory. It was kind of awesome to actually carry on a conversation with my child.
She's also starting to move more quickly -- scurrying more quickly and having stronger opinions about where she wants to go when we are out walking. This is both fun and exhausting. A trip to Target can be a bit of an adventure when she's not in her best listening mood. But it's also lots of fun. When I took her to the park recently, she not only wanted to slide down the slide, but she also pushed herself off, without me having to coax her or help her scoot close enough to the edge.
She really is just getting more fun everyday. I can't think of much more to update on. I suppose I could go on for a paragraph or two about her picky eating habits, but . . . eh . . . it's not too interesting of a discussion topic. So here are some pictures.
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| This was an attempted reprise of last year's Pi Day photo op. |
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| She LOVES walking around with her hands in her pockets. |
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Bittersweet Moments
This past week has been hard on us.
Thursday, March 12, is the day that we would have been due with Sparkie. I spent most of last summer thinking about what it would be like to have another March baby, how excited I was for the potential of another Pi Day birthday, and how wonderful it would be to have the rest of the year off after my due date.
So in the lead-up to March 12, I struggled. A lot. It doesn't help that this is a rough time of year at work. So every time I have a stressful moment during the workday, I cannot help but instantly think, "I should be on maternity leave right now." Which then brings stinging tears to my eyes.
For the last several days, I've been having flashbacks to the last days before Greta's birth. Wondering what it would have been like to be preparing for Sparkie's arrival. Remembering what I was doing the day before Greta's due date. The day of Greta's due date. Wondering if things will go the same with Piccola. Knowing that by this point we'd know if Sparkie's birth timeline would have been the same or different.
The weather also perfectly warmed up this week. I feel simultaneously ecstatically happy at the sudden onset of spring, and deeply depressed that I can't be bringing a new life into this world amidst all the freshness of the season. As I start putting away my maternity sweaters and digging around for t-shirts, I remember that if things had gone "as they should have" then I wouldn't have to worry about a change of maternity wardrobe at all. I would have given birth the same week as the onset of spring. I wouldn't have to buy maternity tank tops and shorts and prepare to be 9 months pregnant in the heat and humidity of June and July. At this very moment, I'd be wearing whatever postpartum nursing and loungewear I could dig up, hanging out with a newborn and enjoying a breeze through the open window.
I know that there are no guarantees in life. I know that I should be so grateful and happy for the all-signs-point-to-healthy baby that we are having, and that I should stop fretting over what "might have been." But it's hard. Unbelievably hard. Much harder than I had ever expected. It doesn't help that this is the most emotional part of pregnancy for me. At the beginning of pregnancy I am grumpy and perhaps a bit irrational, but it's the second half of pregnancy when I cry at everything.
Last Wednesday, I turned 24 weeks pregnant. This is a milestone that, if I'm remembering correctly, marks the start of when doctors would make every attempt to save the baby's life if she were born prematurely. This is a big milestone in my mind, and one that I'm grateful to have achieved. But at the same time, it has made all my "I should be going into labor right now" feelings even harder to deal with. I don't want to go into labor over three months early. I want this baby to be healthy and full-term. So to have these conflicting thoughts of "I wish I were going into labor right now" and "I don't want to give birth until June 10 at the earliest" is kind of a head trip.
At this point, I'm just really hoping that these strong emotions will pass. Ben said yesterday that he feels like part of the joy we've been feeling at the onset of spring is due to the fact that it makes Piccola feel that much closer to us. As long as we were in winter hibernation misery, Piccola's summer arrival was still "two seasons away."Now that spring is here, it feels like the 16 weeks until her expected arrival aren't such a drudgery to endure. We'll get there. One day at a time.
Thursday, March 12, is the day that we would have been due with Sparkie. I spent most of last summer thinking about what it would be like to have another March baby, how excited I was for the potential of another Pi Day birthday, and how wonderful it would be to have the rest of the year off after my due date.
So in the lead-up to March 12, I struggled. A lot. It doesn't help that this is a rough time of year at work. So every time I have a stressful moment during the workday, I cannot help but instantly think, "I should be on maternity leave right now." Which then brings stinging tears to my eyes.
For the last several days, I've been having flashbacks to the last days before Greta's birth. Wondering what it would have been like to be preparing for Sparkie's arrival. Remembering what I was doing the day before Greta's due date. The day of Greta's due date. Wondering if things will go the same with Piccola. Knowing that by this point we'd know if Sparkie's birth timeline would have been the same or different.
The weather also perfectly warmed up this week. I feel simultaneously ecstatically happy at the sudden onset of spring, and deeply depressed that I can't be bringing a new life into this world amidst all the freshness of the season. As I start putting away my maternity sweaters and digging around for t-shirts, I remember that if things had gone "as they should have" then I wouldn't have to worry about a change of maternity wardrobe at all. I would have given birth the same week as the onset of spring. I wouldn't have to buy maternity tank tops and shorts and prepare to be 9 months pregnant in the heat and humidity of June and July. At this very moment, I'd be wearing whatever postpartum nursing and loungewear I could dig up, hanging out with a newborn and enjoying a breeze through the open window.
I know that there are no guarantees in life. I know that I should be so grateful and happy for the all-signs-point-to-healthy baby that we are having, and that I should stop fretting over what "might have been." But it's hard. Unbelievably hard. Much harder than I had ever expected. It doesn't help that this is the most emotional part of pregnancy for me. At the beginning of pregnancy I am grumpy and perhaps a bit irrational, but it's the second half of pregnancy when I cry at everything.
Last Wednesday, I turned 24 weeks pregnant. This is a milestone that, if I'm remembering correctly, marks the start of when doctors would make every attempt to save the baby's life if she were born prematurely. This is a big milestone in my mind, and one that I'm grateful to have achieved. But at the same time, it has made all my "I should be going into labor right now" feelings even harder to deal with. I don't want to go into labor over three months early. I want this baby to be healthy and full-term. So to have these conflicting thoughts of "I wish I were going into labor right now" and "I don't want to give birth until June 10 at the earliest" is kind of a head trip.
At this point, I'm just really hoping that these strong emotions will pass. Ben said yesterday that he feels like part of the joy we've been feeling at the onset of spring is due to the fact that it makes Piccola feel that much closer to us. As long as we were in winter hibernation misery, Piccola's summer arrival was still "two seasons away."Now that spring is here, it feels like the 16 weeks until her expected arrival aren't such a drudgery to endure. We'll get there. One day at a time.
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Second Trimester Updates Galore
I've written so many blog posts lately. What? You haven't read them? Oh, that's because I have been composing them in my head on the way to work and procrastinating on actually writing them.
So, backing up a few weeks . . .
The Big Ultrasound
On February 16 (President's Day), we had our big ultrasound. Our appointment was two-fold. First we met with a genetic counselor who seemed to find our family history quite boring in genetic counseling terms. Then we had the ultrasound and met with the perinatologist. Everything with Piccola looked great. I believe the words "perfect" were uttered more than once.
It was extremely emotional for me. I finally felt connected to this baby. A few weeks later, I have to remind myself of the thrilling moments when I stared at her little profile on the screen as we waited for the perinatologist to review our results. Unfortunately, I still rarely feel movement and so the ultrasound was a critical experience and one that, with time, has sadly faded in it's impact. I just have to keep reminding myself of how special that moment was.
At least we were able to determine the cause of the lack of feeling of movement -- and it's definitely not that Piccola isn't active. Quite the contrary, we saw her giving several swift kicks. Swift kicks to . . . the placenta. Yep, the placenta is covering the entire front of my abdomen. The perinatologist commented that it not only came down very low, but also extended up quite high in my uterus. Basically, as far as I could see, there wasn't a single part of Piccola that didn't have placenta in front of it. Sigh. It's hard enough to connect to a second baby, but much harder when you don't feel her very often. I guess I'll just continue going in to the midwife every two weeks for heartrate checks.
February 18
February 18 marked milestones for all. It was Ben's 32nd birthday. Greta turned 23 months old and the countdown to her 2nd birthday began. Piccola turned 21 weeks in gestation and I, consequently, turned 21 weeks pregnant. It felt like a big turning point for all of us -- to be so decidedly on our way to our family of four.
Nesting
Nesting with a second child is still a completely bizarre experience for me. With Greta, we were mostly focused on making appropriate purchases. And then as those purchases were researched and made, we created space in our home for them, assembled them, read instruction booklets, etc.
With this new baby, especially after we found out that she would be a girl, we keep telling ourselves, "Well, we have everything we need!"
This is true and it isn't.
It is true in that we have everything that we used with Greta.
It isn't true in that Greta still uses some of those things. Like her crib. And her dresser. And her stroller. So while we have everything we would need if we were having another first child, we aren't having another first child, we're adding a second child to our family -- of which, Greta is still an active member.
It's also not true in that some items need replacement or re-purchasing. Like pacifiers. And likely bottles -- or at least nipples. And since we don't use cloth, of course we will need to buy new diapers in the appropriate size.
And the final point is that, even if we "have" everything we need (which we don't, as stated above), we still need to remember what needs to come out of storage and set it up.
I have a feeling that I'm going to keep saying, "Oh, I'll do that once school is out and I have more time," for the next several weeks. And then before I know it, I will be very uncomfortable, hot, and tired . . . and re-assembling a swing in a panic while I stress out about whether I'm having labor contractions or Braxton Hicks.
When does one get the house prepared for a second baby? Next week Piccola reaches viability. Is that the best time to start getting prepped for this baby's actual, you know, arrival?
Big Purchase
The biggest purchase we've made for Piccola's arrival is a double stroller. After stressing about it for weeks and freaking out over the expense, size, and functionality of every double stroller I searched for, I found a Craigslist post for one of my top picks at half the price of a new one. We checked it out yesterday and paid cash for it.
I'm insanely happy with the purchase. I feel like it's such a load off of my mind to have gotten a good deal on something I really wanted. I really wanted a full double stroller, even though I knew that it would be tough to predict how much Greta would be using the stroller by the time Piccola arrives and there were some potential advantages to a sit-and-stand. Ultimately, though, I knew that if I had a double stroller that was comfortable for the kids and that I found comfortable and enjoyable to use, I would be much more inclined to take the girls out and get some exercise in those early weeks when I need endorphins more than anything. Yes, I will admit it, this stroller is more for me than for Greta or Piccola. I want to be able to walk at my own pace and zone out a little on a nice walk. I don't want to have to chase after Greta when she refuses to hold my hand. I don't want to have to "wear the baby and push the toddler" in the hot and humid summer. I don't want to have to walk like a cowboy because my toddler is standing on a ride-along attachment between me and the handlebar. I want the possibility that the kids could nap while on the go. I just want a reliable method of transporting two kids comfortably and safely without having to load them into the car. Sitting in a stroller may no longer be Greta's favorite activity, but it's not like she hates the experience either. I don't feel bad at all about making her do it now and then so that I can get in a nice walk.
Oh man, I am so ready for spring. I need a walk right now. The second trimester was really made for springtime.
So, backing up a few weeks . . .
The Big Ultrasound
On February 16 (President's Day), we had our big ultrasound. Our appointment was two-fold. First we met with a genetic counselor who seemed to find our family history quite boring in genetic counseling terms. Then we had the ultrasound and met with the perinatologist. Everything with Piccola looked great. I believe the words "perfect" were uttered more than once.
It was extremely emotional for me. I finally felt connected to this baby. A few weeks later, I have to remind myself of the thrilling moments when I stared at her little profile on the screen as we waited for the perinatologist to review our results. Unfortunately, I still rarely feel movement and so the ultrasound was a critical experience and one that, with time, has sadly faded in it's impact. I just have to keep reminding myself of how special that moment was.
At least we were able to determine the cause of the lack of feeling of movement -- and it's definitely not that Piccola isn't active. Quite the contrary, we saw her giving several swift kicks. Swift kicks to . . . the placenta. Yep, the placenta is covering the entire front of my abdomen. The perinatologist commented that it not only came down very low, but also extended up quite high in my uterus. Basically, as far as I could see, there wasn't a single part of Piccola that didn't have placenta in front of it. Sigh. It's hard enough to connect to a second baby, but much harder when you don't feel her very often. I guess I'll just continue going in to the midwife every two weeks for heartrate checks.
February 18
February 18 marked milestones for all. It was Ben's 32nd birthday. Greta turned 23 months old and the countdown to her 2nd birthday began. Piccola turned 21 weeks in gestation and I, consequently, turned 21 weeks pregnant. It felt like a big turning point for all of us -- to be so decidedly on our way to our family of four.
Nesting
Nesting with a second child is still a completely bizarre experience for me. With Greta, we were mostly focused on making appropriate purchases. And then as those purchases were researched and made, we created space in our home for them, assembled them, read instruction booklets, etc.
With this new baby, especially after we found out that she would be a girl, we keep telling ourselves, "Well, we have everything we need!"
This is true and it isn't.
It is true in that we have everything that we used with Greta.
It isn't true in that Greta still uses some of those things. Like her crib. And her dresser. And her stroller. So while we have everything we would need if we were having another first child, we aren't having another first child, we're adding a second child to our family -- of which, Greta is still an active member.
It's also not true in that some items need replacement or re-purchasing. Like pacifiers. And likely bottles -- or at least nipples. And since we don't use cloth, of course we will need to buy new diapers in the appropriate size.
And the final point is that, even if we "have" everything we need (which we don't, as stated above), we still need to remember what needs to come out of storage and set it up.
I have a feeling that I'm going to keep saying, "Oh, I'll do that once school is out and I have more time," for the next several weeks. And then before I know it, I will be very uncomfortable, hot, and tired . . . and re-assembling a swing in a panic while I stress out about whether I'm having labor contractions or Braxton Hicks.
When does one get the house prepared for a second baby? Next week Piccola reaches viability. Is that the best time to start getting prepped for this baby's actual, you know, arrival?
Big Purchase
The biggest purchase we've made for Piccola's arrival is a double stroller. After stressing about it for weeks and freaking out over the expense, size, and functionality of every double stroller I searched for, I found a Craigslist post for one of my top picks at half the price of a new one. We checked it out yesterday and paid cash for it.
I'm insanely happy with the purchase. I feel like it's such a load off of my mind to have gotten a good deal on something I really wanted. I really wanted a full double stroller, even though I knew that it would be tough to predict how much Greta would be using the stroller by the time Piccola arrives and there were some potential advantages to a sit-and-stand. Ultimately, though, I knew that if I had a double stroller that was comfortable for the kids and that I found comfortable and enjoyable to use, I would be much more inclined to take the girls out and get some exercise in those early weeks when I need endorphins more than anything. Yes, I will admit it, this stroller is more for me than for Greta or Piccola. I want to be able to walk at my own pace and zone out a little on a nice walk. I don't want to have to chase after Greta when she refuses to hold my hand. I don't want to have to "wear the baby and push the toddler" in the hot and humid summer. I don't want to have to walk like a cowboy because my toddler is standing on a ride-along attachment between me and the handlebar. I want the possibility that the kids could nap while on the go. I just want a reliable method of transporting two kids comfortably and safely without having to load them into the car. Sitting in a stroller may no longer be Greta's favorite activity, but it's not like she hates the experience either. I don't feel bad at all about making her do it now and then so that I can get in a nice walk.
Oh man, I am so ready for spring. I need a walk right now. The second trimester was really made for springtime.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Halfway Home
Today I'm 20 weeks pregnant. There's a certain thrill that comes from knowing that I can now start counting down instead of counting up. Not that I will, at least not just yet. Saying "20 weeks to go!" doesn't sound all that exciting. But 20 weeks is a definite milestone, and I'm excited about it.
Last Sunday, I felt some weird cramping that was timeable and contraction-like. I called the midwife on-call, expecting her to say that I should come to the hospital, that they'd monitor the contractions, that there would be a multitude of miracle drugs that they could give me to stop the contractions and make sure that my baby stayed put. In our discussion, I was surprised to learn that they couldn't have women come to labor and delivery at all until they were 20 weeks along and that, if I needed to be seen, it would be in the ER. Furthermore, I learned that the only benefit to going in to the hospital at all would be to test if I had bacterial vaginosis that was causing the contractions, and to perhaps be reassured (through doppler or ultrasound) that the baby was still alive. This also surprised me, since it hadn't even occurred to me that the reason for the contractions might be that the baby was no longer alive. I had heard the heartbeat at a midwife appointment only two days earlier and so the notion of a second trimester miscarriage wasn't even in my head.
So twenty weeks marks an important milestone for me. For one thing, it means that from this point forward if I ever need to be seen in the hospital for something that might be pregnancy-related (or even not pregnancy-related, but something that could affect the pregnancy, such as the food poisoning incident that I had while pregnancy with Greta), I can go to L&D instead of to the ER. This is hugely reassuring, since it is particularly strange to experience pregnancy-related symptoms that might be worth checking out, but not be able to see my midwives.
It also is somehow, perhaps in a way that is more macabre than most of my thoughts, reassuring to have passed the point at which a pregnancy loss would no longer be called a miscarriage, but instead a stillbirth. It's not a thought that I like to dwell on, but it's there. I have a particular dislike of the term "miscarriage" to begin with, and the thought that I could be 19 weeks and 4 days pregnant (as I was on Sunday) and still suffer the same "category" of loss as I did at 11 weeks and 1 day pregnant was rather disturbing, especially since the same loss, experienced only 3 days later, would carry a completely different term.
So yes, while I am excited to be at the 20 week mark for all kinds of normal pregnant-lady reasons, I'm also feeling reassured by this milestone on a strange and different level. It's important to pass these milestones, especially when -- pregnancy-wise -- very little is changing in a positive way from day to day.
Unfortunately, although it is getting harder to sleep and I am getting sudden and horrible sciatica this week, little Piccola isn't giving me many reasons to feel confident in this pregnancy's progression. Mainly, she is being very cryptic in her movements. While we can hear plenty of movement on the doppler, I am feeling almost none of it. I had been under the impression, around 11 weeks, that I was feeling flutters. But since then those flutters haven't developed into anything more pronounced and, in fact, have become less frequent. This is a scary thing and, as a result, I am still going to the midwives for reassurance appointments and heartbeat checks every two weeks. With Greta, I was feeling pronounced kicks and jabs at this point. But with Piccola, I am still not convinced that I have experienced a true "quickening" yet. I am eager to find out the location of my placenta at my ultrasound on Monday. I am assuming that it is anterior this time around, and hoping that this doesn't mean I will have to wait another month or so before I feel distinct movement. I am definitely ready for this baby to make her presence known.
Last Sunday, I felt some weird cramping that was timeable and contraction-like. I called the midwife on-call, expecting her to say that I should come to the hospital, that they'd monitor the contractions, that there would be a multitude of miracle drugs that they could give me to stop the contractions and make sure that my baby stayed put. In our discussion, I was surprised to learn that they couldn't have women come to labor and delivery at all until they were 20 weeks along and that, if I needed to be seen, it would be in the ER. Furthermore, I learned that the only benefit to going in to the hospital at all would be to test if I had bacterial vaginosis that was causing the contractions, and to perhaps be reassured (through doppler or ultrasound) that the baby was still alive. This also surprised me, since it hadn't even occurred to me that the reason for the contractions might be that the baby was no longer alive. I had heard the heartbeat at a midwife appointment only two days earlier and so the notion of a second trimester miscarriage wasn't even in my head.
So twenty weeks marks an important milestone for me. For one thing, it means that from this point forward if I ever need to be seen in the hospital for something that might be pregnancy-related (or even not pregnancy-related, but something that could affect the pregnancy, such as the food poisoning incident that I had while pregnancy with Greta), I can go to L&D instead of to the ER. This is hugely reassuring, since it is particularly strange to experience pregnancy-related symptoms that might be worth checking out, but not be able to see my midwives.
It also is somehow, perhaps in a way that is more macabre than most of my thoughts, reassuring to have passed the point at which a pregnancy loss would no longer be called a miscarriage, but instead a stillbirth. It's not a thought that I like to dwell on, but it's there. I have a particular dislike of the term "miscarriage" to begin with, and the thought that I could be 19 weeks and 4 days pregnant (as I was on Sunday) and still suffer the same "category" of loss as I did at 11 weeks and 1 day pregnant was rather disturbing, especially since the same loss, experienced only 3 days later, would carry a completely different term.
So yes, while I am excited to be at the 20 week mark for all kinds of normal pregnant-lady reasons, I'm also feeling reassured by this milestone on a strange and different level. It's important to pass these milestones, especially when -- pregnancy-wise -- very little is changing in a positive way from day to day.
Unfortunately, although it is getting harder to sleep and I am getting sudden and horrible sciatica this week, little Piccola isn't giving me many reasons to feel confident in this pregnancy's progression. Mainly, she is being very cryptic in her movements. While we can hear plenty of movement on the doppler, I am feeling almost none of it. I had been under the impression, around 11 weeks, that I was feeling flutters. But since then those flutters haven't developed into anything more pronounced and, in fact, have become less frequent. This is a scary thing and, as a result, I am still going to the midwives for reassurance appointments and heartbeat checks every two weeks. With Greta, I was feeling pronounced kicks and jabs at this point. But with Piccola, I am still not convinced that I have experienced a true "quickening" yet. I am eager to find out the location of my placenta at my ultrasound on Monday. I am assuming that it is anterior this time around, and hoping that this doesn't mean I will have to wait another month or so before I feel distinct movement. I am definitely ready for this baby to make her presence known.
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