I'm 37 weeks today and we've officially reached "full-term" status. If this baby were born today, it would not be considered premature. This is an extremely exciting milestone because it means that many of our hopes and wishes for birth are much more likely to be possible.
It doesn't necessarily mean that everything is peaches and ice cream around here, though.
I've been having painful contractions most days -- ones that last 5-20 minutes instead of the usual 30-60 seconds. They aren't timeable and they don't come on a regular schedule either, so they aren't labor-related. They hurt even more if I have a full bladder or gas, and because they clamp down on the baby, the baby tends to try to move around during them -- which hurts even more.
Basically, what's happening is that my uterus is getting irritated and that's what's causing the contractions. At my last appointment, we found out that at least part of the irritation can be attributed to a dynamic duo of a yeast infection and a case of bacterial vaginosis (both of which I hadn't noticed the symptoms of because they weren't my typical yeast infection symptoms and the other symptoms I assumed that were normal pregnancy pains). So I'm treating both of those conditions right now, and hoping that this all improves soon.
Regardless of whether that gets better, though, we made the call to start maternity leave early. I will be at work through Wednesday of this coming week, and then I will be on leave. It's stressful to wrap things up and know that school will be in session and I won't be there, but doubling over in pain in my classroom has gotten to be an unpleasant experience for both me and my students.
Speaking of which, when I left the room with a contraction the other day, the special education assistant who stayed behind reported that the students were all very concerned for me and one of them immediately declared, "That baby better thank Ms. Arden everyday for what she's gone through for it!"
Sweet kids. My advisory also threw me a baby shower yesterday, which was pretty awesome. It was a total surprise, too. I can't believe how well these kids can keep a secret when they want to. I'm going to miss them. It's hard to think about leaving them for so long. I hope that they get along with the substitute.
Not much is new. There's still a long list of things that must be done and things that we'd like to do before the baby arrives. Lots more strategizing about what to buy with our completion coupons from the registries, and writing thank-yous for the gifts that we've received.
Oh, actually there's one more new thing. We set up a baby guessing pool website. The link is here, if you're interested: http://www.untilithappens.com/bambino
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Gender Roles in Pregnancy and Childrearing
It may seem strange, but I think I've been surprised by the experience of gender norms during this pregnancy.
In any relationship, people take on certain roles, certain responsibilities, certain characteristics. Sometimes, these roles are assumed, sometimes they are discussed and decided upon, and sometimes they just sort of evolve over time. There are definitely areas where Ben and I deviate from the stereotypical roles of "man and wife" in our relationship with one another. There are other areas where our gender identity and our roles and responsibilities fall along "typical" lines. Generally, though, the roles that we've assumed in our marriage have seemed comfortable and ones that we've chosen for ourselves -- often after reflection and discussion.
A lot of that changed when we decided to have a kid. This is one area where, suddenly, I'm much more aware of the complex interplay of my biology and gender identity and how it is lived through my relationship with Ben. When we decided to get pregnant, there was no discussion of who would be the one to carry the baby. There was no talk of splitting up the work -- "You take the morning sickness at the beginning and I'll take the heartburn at the end," or "Let's trade off each month," or "You have to get up earlier for your job than I do, so I'll carry the baby if you can handle the labor and delivery bit." Sure, there's a lot of, "Don't worry about shoveling the snow," and "I'll give you a lift to work if that would make things easier on you tomorrow morning," and "Why don't you put your feet up and take a rest?" I'm not saying at all that Ben hasn't been really supportive or hasn't had to take on more work during the pregnancy. But the specific work of carrying and delivering the child is non-negotiably mine. We never had a chance to evaluate that division of labor because it couldn't be re-evaluated.
Sure, there are plenty of ways to have a kid besides the way that we're doing it. If we'd found a surrogate or chosen to adopt, then we'd still have the flexibility to assess and negotiate our roles in this lead-up to becoming parents. But for a multitude of reasons, we didn't choose either of those options. So we are left with the "default" settings.
I think what strikes me is that it doesn't end with the birth of the baby. Of course the idea of "sharing" the pregnancy, labor, and delivery seems ridiculous. How would you transfer the baby from one parent to the other when you're dealing with a viviparous species? (Yes, I have given this a great deal of thought.) But, assuming that all goes well with breastfeeding, my biology is going to still determine much of our parenting workload balance for months to come. The birth seems like a natural "break" in the work -- one where it seems normal that I'd pass the biological part of the responsibility off to Ben -- like a female seahorse depositing her eggs in her partner's brood pouch. But it isn't. It's part of the whole hormonal process that the female continues to provide the nutritional support for the baby. Unfair as it seems, that's just the way that we work. There's no possibility of, "I can work pumping breaks into my day more easily, so I'll be the one to breastfeed."
I think what happens, for me, is that I keep remembering how much the work load is going to change once the baby is here. Ben will be able to take on more of the direct responsibility for the baby's well-being. In fact, if all goes according to plan, he'll be spending considerably more time with the baby than I will. When I think about this, I feel like there's that natural transition again -- that my job is to grow the baby, and then I'll get a break when the baby is born.
But that's not really how it's going to go. The workload will simply be bigger once the baby is here. I won't really get a "break" -- it will just be a different kind of work. It will be the kind of work that will consume us both and stretch us both to our full capacity. And while we'll be able to share it more equally, there will still be one job that we won't be able to switch off back and forth.
This is probably a strange post for most people to read -- Is she just now realizing that women are different from men? And perhaps it seems immature of me to put this much thought into a division of labor that has been around for a very, very long time. In comparison to what our ancestors experienced, the responsibility of parenting is much more evenly divided. After all, we have pumps and bottles and electricity that all help us share the time and effort that goes along with feeding a baby. But there's still something that makes me immediately defensive about the biological differences at play. I'll read an article about making a workplace great for pregnant women and my first thought is an indignant, "Or men!" Of course, this is followed by a brief face-palm and I am reminded that this knee-jerk desire to squash societal assumptions about gender norms will sometimes fail me.
Really, though, it hasn't failed me often until now. Pregnancy and breastfeeding are topics that are really messing with my worldview.
In any relationship, people take on certain roles, certain responsibilities, certain characteristics. Sometimes, these roles are assumed, sometimes they are discussed and decided upon, and sometimes they just sort of evolve over time. There are definitely areas where Ben and I deviate from the stereotypical roles of "man and wife" in our relationship with one another. There are other areas where our gender identity and our roles and responsibilities fall along "typical" lines. Generally, though, the roles that we've assumed in our marriage have seemed comfortable and ones that we've chosen for ourselves -- often after reflection and discussion.
A lot of that changed when we decided to have a kid. This is one area where, suddenly, I'm much more aware of the complex interplay of my biology and gender identity and how it is lived through my relationship with Ben. When we decided to get pregnant, there was no discussion of who would be the one to carry the baby. There was no talk of splitting up the work -- "You take the morning sickness at the beginning and I'll take the heartburn at the end," or "Let's trade off each month," or "You have to get up earlier for your job than I do, so I'll carry the baby if you can handle the labor and delivery bit." Sure, there's a lot of, "Don't worry about shoveling the snow," and "I'll give you a lift to work if that would make things easier on you tomorrow morning," and "Why don't you put your feet up and take a rest?" I'm not saying at all that Ben hasn't been really supportive or hasn't had to take on more work during the pregnancy. But the specific work of carrying and delivering the child is non-negotiably mine. We never had a chance to evaluate that division of labor because it couldn't be re-evaluated.
Sure, there are plenty of ways to have a kid besides the way that we're doing it. If we'd found a surrogate or chosen to adopt, then we'd still have the flexibility to assess and negotiate our roles in this lead-up to becoming parents. But for a multitude of reasons, we didn't choose either of those options. So we are left with the "default" settings.
I think what strikes me is that it doesn't end with the birth of the baby. Of course the idea of "sharing" the pregnancy, labor, and delivery seems ridiculous. How would you transfer the baby from one parent to the other when you're dealing with a viviparous species? (Yes, I have given this a great deal of thought.) But, assuming that all goes well with breastfeeding, my biology is going to still determine much of our parenting workload balance for months to come. The birth seems like a natural "break" in the work -- one where it seems normal that I'd pass the biological part of the responsibility off to Ben -- like a female seahorse depositing her eggs in her partner's brood pouch. But it isn't. It's part of the whole hormonal process that the female continues to provide the nutritional support for the baby. Unfair as it seems, that's just the way that we work. There's no possibility of, "I can work pumping breaks into my day more easily, so I'll be the one to breastfeed."
I think what happens, for me, is that I keep remembering how much the work load is going to change once the baby is here. Ben will be able to take on more of the direct responsibility for the baby's well-being. In fact, if all goes according to plan, he'll be spending considerably more time with the baby than I will. When I think about this, I feel like there's that natural transition again -- that my job is to grow the baby, and then I'll get a break when the baby is born.
But that's not really how it's going to go. The workload will simply be bigger once the baby is here. I won't really get a "break" -- it will just be a different kind of work. It will be the kind of work that will consume us both and stretch us both to our full capacity. And while we'll be able to share it more equally, there will still be one job that we won't be able to switch off back and forth.
This is probably a strange post for most people to read -- Is she just now realizing that women are different from men? And perhaps it seems immature of me to put this much thought into a division of labor that has been around for a very, very long time. In comparison to what our ancestors experienced, the responsibility of parenting is much more evenly divided. After all, we have pumps and bottles and electricity that all help us share the time and effort that goes along with feeding a baby. But there's still something that makes me immediately defensive about the biological differences at play. I'll read an article about making a workplace great for pregnant women and my first thought is an indignant, "Or men!" Of course, this is followed by a brief face-palm and I am reminded that this knee-jerk desire to squash societal assumptions about gender norms will sometimes fail me.
Really, though, it hasn't failed me often until now. Pregnancy and breastfeeding are topics that are really messing with my worldview.
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