5-4-3-2-1

Today I am 35 weeks pregnant exactly. This also means that I have 35 days left of pregnancy (well, 35 days until my due date . . . so take that with a grain of salt).

But still . . . Days. I've gotten to the point where I am counting down days.

A few days ago, I found a handout called "40 Reasons to go the Full 40." It's a list of reasons to aim for a 40 week pregnancy, instead of trying to induce early. I figured it would be neat to read one reason every day for the last 40-ish days of pregnancy. Unfortunately, because each one was short, it was difficult to resist reading the whole thing in one sitting. It's probably best that I did, though, because trying to space them out one at a time would have likely been anti-climatic.  Although some of them are good reminders of why it's good to still be pregnant (like "Relish parenting . . . right now you know exactly where baby is and what he's doing,") many others were just repetitive ("Ignore people who say an induction is more convenient . . . there's nothing convenient about a longer labor and increasing your risk of cesarean," right next to "Respond to requests to speed baby's birth with the facts that inductions often create more painful labors and can lead to cesarean,"*) and others ("Splurge on pedicures") just didn't interest me. The last one was "Write your own healthy reason," which I think would have pissed me off if I had read it on my due date.

I'm feeling very hopeful that this baby will stay put, although I must admit that the little lingering thoughts of "I'm 35 weeks today -- that's the same day as my mom was when she had my sister!" are starting to get to me. I remember that starting at 35 weeks when I was pregnant with Greta too. And although I assume I will go all the way to 40 weeks again, it's impossible to resist that panicked-excited voice that says, "It could be any day now!"

Even though I hope it's not.

My own reasons to go the Full 40:

1. The birth experience I am hoping for does not involve the extra monitoring and potentially-challenging breastfeeding experience that would come from a labor and delivery prior to 37 weeks. Plus, it would be stressful to go into labor before I've finished up the workyear -- entered grades, cleaned my classroom . . . all that.

2. Well, once I get to 37 weeks, I'd kind of like to enjoy a little of my vacation before giving birth. And since I turn 37 weeks on the last day of work, I'd like to wait at least a little while before going into labor.

3. Yeah, in fact, I think I'd enjoy as much vacation as possible before I have to start the new-parent haze.

Yes, of course, I have reasons like "So the baby will be healthier," and "So I get to spend more one-on-one time with Greta," and "So we feel more prepared to welcome a new baby into our lives." But, quite frankly, when the "BUT IT COULD BE TOMORROW!" bug starts to get under my skin, it's the hope of a stress-free and option-full labor and delivery, and the promise of vacation that keeps me sane.

*Note: My midwives won't do an elective induction before 41 weeks anyway. So the "Inductions are a PITA!" types of reasons aren't relevant to me and only make me more nervous that I'm going to end up having to be induced at 41w5d. What I need are reminders about why I shouldn't HOPE for a spontaneous early labor, not reminders about why inductions and c-sections can be problematic.

Things are Getting Real

My belly hurts. Not like a stomach-ache (although I get that too), but the muscles and skin and whole abdominal area just hurts. I think I had thought that I couldn't get much bigger, and I don't take weekly photos, so it's hard to tell for sure . . . but I think I can safely say that I am still growing quite a bit based on how my belly feels. It feels heavy and taut. It's harder to take deep breaths and I'm easily made breathless by activities that shouldn't make me feel breathless.

I'm amazed by my pregnant body. It feels so different than just the extra weight. I have been heavier than my current weight even when not pregnant, and so I have a certain appreciation for how different it feels to be pregnant. Despite the fact that it's still me, it feels so foreign and bizarre and out-of-control when one gets to this stage. Coughing feels uncomfortable in so many places that aren't just my chest. Turning over in bed is a very . . . real struggle. I often wish that I had long ropes attached to each side of the bed so that I could use them to help me rotate. The emergency room visit a few weeks ago due to severe abdominal pain caused by either a gallbladder attack or some kind of insane muscle spasm has made me terrified of both high-fat foods (gallbladder attack?) and sitting up in bed (muscle spasm?). In particular, I hate turning over or sitting up in bed. I always now feel like it is somehow an extremely risky experience. I can't handle the idea of the pain of that evening again . . . and then when I freak out over the memories of my gallbladder/muscle spasm pain, I worry that I've forgotten too much of what labor is like and I am woefully unprepared to go through it again.

I've had labor and birth on my mind a great deal. We've registered for labor/birth classes and I am in the process of writing a birth plan. I feel comfortable and confident some days, and completely terrified at others. I think it will help when we have the house more prepared, but I'm too exhausted to get excited about any nesting projects right now.

I've added a weekly countdown to my due date to the whiteboard in my classroom. I am surprised by which students seem to take an active interest in it. Sometimes I wonder whether they are just eager for me to have my baby and leave them in the care of a substitute (despite the fact that I've told them they should expect me to be with them all the way until the end of the schoolyear, since there are only 3 weeks left of school, but 6 weeks left until my due date). But I know that some of them are genuinely interested in the fact that we are getting closer to the big day.

I'd be excited too, if I weren't so gosh darn terrified.