Things are Getting Real

My belly hurts. Not like a stomach-ache (although I get that too), but the muscles and skin and whole abdominal area just hurts. I think I had thought that I couldn't get much bigger, and I don't take weekly photos, so it's hard to tell for sure . . . but I think I can safely say that I am still growing quite a bit based on how my belly feels. It feels heavy and taut. It's harder to take deep breaths and I'm easily made breathless by activities that shouldn't make me feel breathless.

I'm amazed by my pregnant body. It feels so different than just the extra weight. I have been heavier than my current weight even when not pregnant, and so I have a certain appreciation for how different it feels to be pregnant. Despite the fact that it's still me, it feels so foreign and bizarre and out-of-control when one gets to this stage. Coughing feels uncomfortable in so many places that aren't just my chest. Turning over in bed is a very . . . real struggle. I often wish that I had long ropes attached to each side of the bed so that I could use them to help me rotate. The emergency room visit a few weeks ago due to severe abdominal pain caused by either a gallbladder attack or some kind of insane muscle spasm has made me terrified of both high-fat foods (gallbladder attack?) and sitting up in bed (muscle spasm?). In particular, I hate turning over or sitting up in bed. I always now feel like it is somehow an extremely risky experience. I can't handle the idea of the pain of that evening again . . . and then when I freak out over the memories of my gallbladder/muscle spasm pain, I worry that I've forgotten too much of what labor is like and I am woefully unprepared to go through it again.

I've had labor and birth on my mind a great deal. We've registered for labor/birth classes and I am in the process of writing a birth plan. I feel comfortable and confident some days, and completely terrified at others. I think it will help when we have the house more prepared, but I'm too exhausted to get excited about any nesting projects right now.

I've added a weekly countdown to my due date to the whiteboard in my classroom. I am surprised by which students seem to take an active interest in it. Sometimes I wonder whether they are just eager for me to have my baby and leave them in the care of a substitute (despite the fact that I've told them they should expect me to be with them all the way until the end of the schoolyear, since there are only 3 weeks left of school, but 6 weeks left until my due date). But I know that some of them are genuinely interested in the fact that we are getting closer to the big day.

I'd be excited too, if I weren't so gosh darn terrified.