Watching and Waiting

One big thing that I have noticed is that expecting as a father very much feels like sudden gear changes.  I assume that Arden feels some of the same, but that there is maybe a little more transition time, a little more shifting anticipation than for me.  Unreal becomes very real, very fast.  Several times over. We are thinking about trying, then we may already be on our way.  We are looking at a test, and then it shows two lines.  But even then, even telling each other over and over again..."we're going to have a baby" it still has the air of abstraction.  

Which isn't a bad thing.  I think it's just the quirk of observing a pregnancy as the non-pregnant partner.  So it shows up every now and again.

Case in point, the ultrasound.  Arden asked me to film it with her iphone.  I was pretty adamant that I not.  Now, it turns out they may not have allowed it anyways...but my big reason is that I knew that it was one of the few chances I had (prior to being able to feel the baby kick) in which Bambin@ was going to be very real.  I wanted to be in the room, with undivided attention.  

So we watched together.  Blurry, blurry, blurry...kid.  It was that fast.  Despite being a little early, they had great focus, and we got some very good, if quick glimpses of Bambin@.  Awesome is the only word I can really use.  As in, nothing on this planet has inspired so much reverant awe.  (Yes, even short of Triduum at Christ Church New Haven, and that is not for lack of effort on their part.)

There was this kid.  Fragile, small, alive and kicking.  And in that moment, we knew we loved it more than anything.  Out of all the hopes and dreams we had, this one was on the way.  Incoming, incarnate, and inescapably real.  They printed a picture, but it was nothing compared to the moving images or the sound of the rapid, strong heart beat.

I've long talked about wanting a kid, even before it was in any way practical or I would have been ready.  But the idea was there.  And it still feels like that a bit.  I get these dreams of what it will be like.  And some of them are very much like the old ones: not very grounded, removed from the actual circumstances in which we are having this child...more about particular impulses or worries about my urge to parent.

But it's moments like the ultrasound, or just even talking with Arden, where reality really does set in.  And it's awesome.  Literally.