Dude, where's my period?

So my period was due today. It's 8:22pm on Thursday, October 23, and there are no signs of it.

I wasn't expecting it either. On Sunday, I got a positive pregnancy test. Actually, I got five of them. And then ten more between Sunday and today. I think with each of the previous two pregnancies, I took about 3 tests each. But this was the first time that I had a supply or Internet "cheapie" strip tests, as well as a few boxes of the more traditional plastic stick tests. And who doesn't want to see the word "pregnant" on a digital? And then I had heard of these cheap tests at Walmart where you get to use an eye-dropper, and so my scientific interest was piqued.... I may have gone a little overboard with purchasing pregnancy tests in the weeks after ovulation. But now that I have all of them, I feel like it would be pessimistic of me not to pee on them, right? Like I'm assuming that I'll need them for a future pregnancy?

Anyway, I don't feel a need to justify myself. This pregnancy is different. With my other two, I thought I would be a "crazy peestick lady" if I took a test before my period was late. And I was shaking in my shoes when I took those tests. This time, I tested early. 8 DPO: negative. 9 DPO: negative. 10 dpo, 2am while visiting our friends in Stevens Point: just barely a line -- so faint that Ben couldn't see it and I have to hold it just so in order to spot it. 10 DPO 6pm, after getting home from our road trip back from Wisconsin: clear positives on five tests.

There has been a downside to testing early, which is that once I had tested, I was pregnant (yay!) and had to adjust to all the pregnancy taboos (nay!), but still didn't feel like it was real. I strongly suspected that my period would come right on time and it would be like it had never happened. My abundant supply of cheap pregnancy tests has helped, though, and I have enjoyed watching the lines get darker each day. It's fascinating!

It also helped when the scheduling person at the OB-GYN clinic didn't hesitate to schedule me for an intake appointment at 8 weeks, despite the fact that it had been less than 4 weeks since my last menstrual period when I called. I was so surprised! I have never had an appointment that starts with an ultrasound before, as this is not how my midwife practice works. I had expected the first appointment to not be until 10 weeks, and that I would have to call ahead and claim "confusion" over my dates in order to get an ultrasound at 8 weeks for my own reassurance. I was very pleased that I could come in for a routine ultrasound and intake at 8 weeks -- exactly when I had hoped to have my first ultrasound, since our second pregnancy loss occurred at 7 and a half weeks, but wasn't discovered until 11 weeks, and that discrepancy had played a large role in the trauma of our loss.

As strange as it may sound, I actually feel less anxious then I thought I would have. I'm not sure how to explain that, as I had expected to feel absolutely terrified. And I am feeling even fewer symptoms than last time. And when I went in for the ovarian cyst, the urgent care doctor seemed to suggest that he thought I had a low chance of conceiving that cycle and should have waited because my lining would not yet be able to sustain a pregnancy. (He's not an OB-GYN, but the last thing I needed to hear on the day of ovulation was that any conception that might occur was unlikely to be followed
 by healthy implantation.)

I can't explain it. So much seems stacked against us. But in the end, I think I just have a lot more trust that things will be okay. No matter what might happen tomorrow, my pregnancy test is pinker today than it was yesterday, and I am going to try not to let fear prevent me from enjoying my little poppyseed.