Milestone

It's December 11 and I am 11w1d pregnant with our new little addition, who we've nicknamed Piccol@ Bambin@, or just "Piccol@" for short. This was the last day of my second pregnancy -- I was 11w1d when we found out that Sparkie had passed away at 7.5 weeks. I can't believe how long it took us to get to this milestone. Since our miscarriage was a "missed miscarriage" (first diagnosed via ultrasound and not due to any signs such as bleeding), it's hard to feel confident that we've "made it." Instead, I still feel anxious.

However, we do know that the baby has made it to at least 10w1d, since that was when I had my most recent ultrasound and the baby was measuring on-track and had a good heartbeat. As if in response to my anxiety at this time, I also am feeling more pregnant than ever. I am more nauseated this week, and much, much more exhausted. I don't remember ever feeling this exhausted or nauseas with Sparkie, although my belly was protruding as much as it is now.

Even with the reassurance of ultrasounds and symptoms, my anxiety levels are high. Last week they drew my blood to do the MaterniT21 testing -- a non-invasive test that examines the baby's chromosomes in the mother's blood and can test for trisomy disorders like the one that Sparkie had. I know that I should feel relieved, knowing that we will have some pretty solid information about the baby's health within a week or so. However, instead I find myself feeling more nervous, knowing that amidst all the busyness of pre-Christmas work, we might be getting a phone call with some devastating news.

I feel very lucky that, since our first OB appointment at 8 weeks, we haven't had to go more than about 2 weeks at a time without further confirmation of viability. We had an ultrasound at 8 weeks, one at 10w1d (when I went in for the blood draw and to discuss the tests with the OB) and we'll have another on Monday at 11w5d. This has helped a lot. One of the hardest parts of losing Sparkie was the overwhelming feeling that I "should have known." That Sparkie had died for nearly a month and I was walking around blissfully unaware.  Even though I worry about whether Piccol@ is still okay, I at least know that s/he was okay as of just last week. That brings this mama some peace of mind . . . and belly.