There are many things to celebrate right around now.
1. I have successfully survived my first week back at work. It was far from easy, but I made it through unscathed. Oddly enough, even though I am only getting about 4-5 hours of sleep per 24 hour period, I feel more rested than I would have expected. I think a big part of it is that I am not trying to go back to sleep after she wakes up to eat. Instead, I just start getting ready for my day. The way I see it, if she gets up at 3 or 4am, and I have to be up at 5am anyway, I may as well just stay up and run the risk of getting to work early -- where I can start crossing things off my to-do list -- rather than trying to sleep again. Otherwise, what happens is that I end up just barely falling asleep when I'm yanked from it by an alarm. It's hard enough to wake up at 3am and I think it would be even harder to have to do it all over again an hour after I've fallen asleep. Anyway, I've basically been running on adrenaline and caffeine most of the time, but somehow it seems to be working. The pumping schedule is going well too.
2. Friday was also Greta's first visit to my school. I just took a walk down there for the school's annual Farmer's Market. I enjoyed the walk and the opportunity to show Greta off to a few students, parents and colleagues. Greta enjoyed a nap in her stroller.
3. Friday was my 29th birthday. Birthdays are just lots of awesome fun.
4. On Monday, Greta will be 8 weeks old and then next weekend it's her 2-month birthday! I can't believe how fast she's growing and changing.
5. Sunday is Mother's Day. It's crazy to think that I am going to celebrate this Mother's Day as an actual mother. I am feeling so much love for my own mother and appreciative of all that she has done for me. I am also feeling grateful for all the mother-figures in my life -- the family friends and extended family who have made me feel so cared for throughout my pregnancy and Greta's entrance into the world.
I'm just feeling tons of love and excitement. Greta is so wonderful and I'm starting to really enjoy the privilege of being her mama!
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
One Month Update
Greta's one month birthday was last Thursday. Here's an update on how she and we are doing.
Stats
Birth Weight: 7 lbs, 6 oz on March 18.
First Pediatrician Appointment Weight: 6 lbs, 8 oz on March 21.
One Month Weight: 8 lbs, 13 oz on April 19.
Birth Length: 20.5"
One Month Length: 21.25"
Head Circumference at Birth: 13"
Head Circumference at One Month: 14.25"
Since newborns are said to "eat, sleep and poop," I will start with a rundown of how she's doing in these areas.
Eating
Greta had to be fed on a strict 3-hr schedule when she was first born because she wouldn't wake up to eat. She takes a long time to eat anything (and would often fall asleep if not actively tickled and burped throughout the feeding), so this often meant that we were finishing one feeding only an hour or less before the next one was scheduled to begin. At our 1-month pediatrician's appointment (which was held a little early), we got the green light to start letting her sleep longer and letting her wake up to eat. The positives of this change are that we can often get a little more sleep in a stretch and we aren't having to spend as much energy keeping her awake when we can barely stay awake ourselves. The drawbacks are that she's completely unpredictable and hard to schedule.
While it's been difficult to schedule her, we have developed some patterns. We usually nurse during the day, except when I need some time out of the house and she ends up getting a bottle from another caregiver. In those cases, I just pump when I get home. Because she takes so long to nurse, and because I'm so terribly exhausted and afraid I'm going to fall asleep and drop her, we've developed a routine of Ben or another caregiver giving her a bottle of breastmilk and me pumping. This has its inconveniences (washing bottles and pump parts), but keeps the actual feeding time a little shorter so that we can get down to the business of coaxing her back to sleep. We also typically give her a little formula in the evening. The formula sticks with her a little more and keeps her asleep longer.
My goal is to start nursing more at nighttime, since she'll be getting bottles during the day when I'm back at work. I'm still a bit nervous when it comes to nighttime nursing, but it's a transition that I think will be good for both of us in the long run.
Sleeping
Speaking of transitioning back to work, I'm not sure when I'm going to sleep once I'm back in the classroom. When pregnant, my work schedule involved a 5:30am wake-up time in order to get ready to be at work at 6:45am. After work, I'd come home as soon as possible and I'd try to start getting ready for bed at 8pm.
And I thought I couldn't get any more tired. Oh, how wrong I was.
So, I'm estimating that when I go back to work I will need to wake up 45 minutes earlier than that if I am pumping in the morning and 1-2 hours earlier if I am nursing. So I'm looking at needing to be up (and stay up) sometime between 3:30 and 4:45am. Right now, Greta is falling asleep around 11pm most nights and getting up sometime between 2 and 3:30am to eat. Eating and falling back asleep takes about an hour or two and then she's usually up again sometime between 5 and 7am. This varies a ton, though, and it's difficult to get her to move her bedtime, so I'm at a loss for how this will work when she needs to be more on my sleeping, working and pumping schedule. I'm particularly scared of how it will affect my working schedule, as the work of a teacher does not end at the last bell of the day. I'd love it if I could come home and just nurse her and sleep with her during her naptimes, but I know that somehow I'm going to need to squeeze in at least a few hours of worktime between the end of work and when we all get some sleep. If anyone has tips for keeping up with a job that requires a lot of "out-of-office" time, I'd appreciate it!
Pooping
Greta has a hard time with gas between the hours of 8pm and 11pm most evenings, which I believe is the reason that it is so difficult to try to get her to change her bedtime to earlier. This is her "fussy" period. Overall, she is not a terribly fussy baby (at least not yet! Knock on wood!) and so we've struggled with this time of the evening. Speaking from The Future (I started this post right at the 1 month mark, but I must admit that I'm still working on it in little bits and pieces, so I am writing this part at about five and a half weeks), I can say that she's been getting a little less fussy the last few days. I don't know if it was the change of scenery (we're back at our house now, after staying with Ben's parents for most of the last 5 weeks) or whether she just hit a groove, but she's been a little less fussy at that time of day recently.
There isn't much else to report on pooping. Today she "projectile pooped" for the first time, though. That was . . . quite the experience. Many thanks to our dear friend Casey for helping to clean our carpet.
Other Awesomeness
We've had some nice visits from family. We've stayed at Ben's parents' house for most of the last five weeks and they've been really helpful. My mom also came during the first week and stayed for a few days, and then she, my dad, my sister and my brother-in-law came as well. My sister is pregnant, so it was especially fun to see her with Greta and think about how exciting it will be for Greta to have a cousin who is close in age to her!
Greta has been getting so much bigger and more robust. She always had a pretty strong neck right from the beginning and would hold her head up when someone was carrying her or relaxing with her on their shoulder. If she is on the chest of someone who is seated and starts to slide down their chest a little, she will push off of their legs with her feet and try to pull herself back up.
Again, speaking from The Future, she flashed her first smiles and cooed for the first time in her 5th week of life (so, just a few days after her 1 month birthday). She enjoys looking at light fixtures and faces. She likes being on her back and moving her limbs around vigorously.
I know that this is all normal baby stuff for this age, but it's pretty exciting for us, since she hadn't done much except sleep in the beginning. Now we're finally starting to get a sense of her as a little person, and that is very fun! She's also napping less during the day -- or at least, we're swaddling her and putting her down less. It used to be that she'd fall asleep in-between every feed, but lately she's been eating more frequently during the day and just chilling for awhile in-between feeds, with catnaps here and there. It's definitely more fun, although it certainly can get a bit draining. Luckily, she likes her swing and her play mat, so we don't have to hold her all the time.
She's a lovely baby and we're very happy to have her in our lives! I think we'll keep her!
 |
| Greta today (at 5.5 weeks old). Casey's son Asher is in the background. Many thanks to Casey for taking the photo! |
Stats
Birth Weight: 7 lbs, 6 oz on March 18.
First Pediatrician Appointment Weight: 6 lbs, 8 oz on March 21.
One Month Weight: 8 lbs, 13 oz on April 19.
Birth Length: 20.5"
One Month Length: 21.25"
Head Circumference at Birth: 13"
Head Circumference at One Month: 14.25"
Since newborns are said to "eat, sleep and poop," I will start with a rundown of how she's doing in these areas.
.jpg) |
| A sleepy Greta, on her way to her first pediatrician appointment. |
Eating
Greta had to be fed on a strict 3-hr schedule when she was first born because she wouldn't wake up to eat. She takes a long time to eat anything (and would often fall asleep if not actively tickled and burped throughout the feeding), so this often meant that we were finishing one feeding only an hour or less before the next one was scheduled to begin. At our 1-month pediatrician's appointment (which was held a little early), we got the green light to start letting her sleep longer and letting her wake up to eat. The positives of this change are that we can often get a little more sleep in a stretch and we aren't having to spend as much energy keeping her awake when we can barely stay awake ourselves. The drawbacks are that she's completely unpredictable and hard to schedule.
While it's been difficult to schedule her, we have developed some patterns. We usually nurse during the day, except when I need some time out of the house and she ends up getting a bottle from another caregiver. In those cases, I just pump when I get home. Because she takes so long to nurse, and because I'm so terribly exhausted and afraid I'm going to fall asleep and drop her, we've developed a routine of Ben or another caregiver giving her a bottle of breastmilk and me pumping. This has its inconveniences (washing bottles and pump parts), but keeps the actual feeding time a little shorter so that we can get down to the business of coaxing her back to sleep. We also typically give her a little formula in the evening. The formula sticks with her a little more and keeps her asleep longer.
My goal is to start nursing more at nighttime, since she'll be getting bottles during the day when I'm back at work. I'm still a bit nervous when it comes to nighttime nursing, but it's a transition that I think will be good for both of us in the long run.
Sleeping
Speaking of transitioning back to work, I'm not sure when I'm going to sleep once I'm back in the classroom. When pregnant, my work schedule involved a 5:30am wake-up time in order to get ready to be at work at 6:45am. After work, I'd come home as soon as possible and I'd try to start getting ready for bed at 8pm.
And I thought I couldn't get any more tired. Oh, how wrong I was.
So, I'm estimating that when I go back to work I will need to wake up 45 minutes earlier than that if I am pumping in the morning and 1-2 hours earlier if I am nursing. So I'm looking at needing to be up (and stay up) sometime between 3:30 and 4:45am. Right now, Greta is falling asleep around 11pm most nights and getting up sometime between 2 and 3:30am to eat. Eating and falling back asleep takes about an hour or two and then she's usually up again sometime between 5 and 7am. This varies a ton, though, and it's difficult to get her to move her bedtime, so I'm at a loss for how this will work when she needs to be more on my sleeping, working and pumping schedule. I'm particularly scared of how it will affect my working schedule, as the work of a teacher does not end at the last bell of the day. I'd love it if I could come home and just nurse her and sleep with her during her naptimes, but I know that somehow I'm going to need to squeeze in at least a few hours of worktime between the end of work and when we all get some sleep. If anyone has tips for keeping up with a job that requires a lot of "out-of-office" time, I'd appreciate it!
Pooping
Greta has a hard time with gas between the hours of 8pm and 11pm most evenings, which I believe is the reason that it is so difficult to try to get her to change her bedtime to earlier. This is her "fussy" period. Overall, she is not a terribly fussy baby (at least not yet! Knock on wood!) and so we've struggled with this time of the evening. Speaking from The Future (I started this post right at the 1 month mark, but I must admit that I'm still working on it in little bits and pieces, so I am writing this part at about five and a half weeks), I can say that she's been getting a little less fussy the last few days. I don't know if it was the change of scenery (we're back at our house now, after staying with Ben's parents for most of the last 5 weeks) or whether she just hit a groove, but she's been a little less fussy at that time of day recently.
There isn't much else to report on pooping. Today she "projectile pooped" for the first time, though. That was . . . quite the experience. Many thanks to our dear friend Casey for helping to clean our carpet.
Other Awesomeness
We've had some nice visits from family. We've stayed at Ben's parents' house for most of the last five weeks and they've been really helpful. My mom also came during the first week and stayed for a few days, and then she, my dad, my sister and my brother-in-law came as well. My sister is pregnant, so it was especially fun to see her with Greta and think about how exciting it will be for Greta to have a cousin who is close in age to her!
.jpg) |
| Michelle and Greta, with Greta resting her feet on her future cousin. |
Greta has been getting so much bigger and more robust. She always had a pretty strong neck right from the beginning and would hold her head up when someone was carrying her or relaxing with her on their shoulder. If she is on the chest of someone who is seated and starts to slide down their chest a little, she will push off of their legs with her feet and try to pull herself back up.
.jpg) |
| That's Ben trying to keep her from lifting her head back too far. |
Again, speaking from The Future, she flashed her first smiles and cooed for the first time in her 5th week of life (so, just a few days after her 1 month birthday). She enjoys looking at light fixtures and faces. She likes being on her back and moving her limbs around vigorously.
I know that this is all normal baby stuff for this age, but it's pretty exciting for us, since she hadn't done much except sleep in the beginning. Now we're finally starting to get a sense of her as a little person, and that is very fun! She's also napping less during the day -- or at least, we're swaddling her and putting her down less. It used to be that she'd fall asleep in-between every feed, but lately she's been eating more frequently during the day and just chilling for awhile in-between feeds, with catnaps here and there. It's definitely more fun, although it certainly can get a bit draining. Luckily, she likes her swing and her play mat, so we don't have to hold her all the time.
.jpg) |
| Greta in her swing, a gift from her Great-Aunt Doris and Great-Uncle Lee. |
She's a lovely baby and we're very happy to have her in our lives! I think we'll keep her!
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
On the eve of Bambin@'s one month birthday . . .
I thought I should finally get around to that birth story.
After seeing the mucus plug on the evening of my due date, I went to bed feeling some contractions that were coming every 15 minutes or so. It was fairly late when I finally shuffled off to bed, although I can’t remember the exact hour. Sometime between 11pm and 1pm, I think.
I woke up several times with the pains and would sometimes half-heartedly time them, but at about 2:45am I woke up with pain that would simply not go away. It felt like gas pain and it was excruciating. I tried using the toilet, crouching on all fours in bed, both of which resulted in some flatulence (sorry if that’s a bit too much info), but not a significant decrease in the pain. A few times I would think that it was fading, but as soon as I'd lie down again to try going back to sleep, I would be overwhelmed by an intense, undeniable pain. When I found myself kneeling on the bed and making a circular motion with my upper body and moaning, I decided that this was a pain that warranted waking Ben up. It didn’t feel like it could be a contraction. According to my timer, the pain had been going on for 34 minutes and there was no change in my belly tightness – it felt equally tight throughout the entire time. Everyone had told me that "real" contractions should have a distinct beginning and end, and they should be about 30-90 seconds in duration.
Ben came in and rubbed my back and we called our doula to ask what it could be. She said she wasn’t sure and advised me to call the midwives. When we called the midwife on call, she told me to take a warm shower and see if that helped. If it didn’t get any better, then she wanted me to come in to the hospital to get checked out.
The pain was on-going and the belly tightness wasn't changing, but I had a hunch because of the bloody show the previous night that this could be labor. I had also noticed that it would get worse at various times, although I couldn't ever really feel it getting better. Once in the shower, I asked Ben to just time the interval between the "peak" pains that were occurring within what I perceived as one long contraction. I stopped trying to feel my belly for changes in tightness or expect the pain to fade significantly. I basically gave up on measuring duration of the contraction, since I couldn't perceive it fading, only getting worse. All I’d do is start moaning when the pain would get worse, Ben would start the timer, and then when the pain would intensify further, I would moan and he’d see how long it had been since the previous "peak." In doing this, we realized that there was a clearer pattern of pains intensifying every 2-5 minutes.
We called our doula back and told her that we were going to go in to the hospital, since we'd done the "shower test" and the pain was definitely not getting any better. Our doula said that, based on our timing of the "peak pains," it seemed as though it was labor and asked whether we wanted to labor at home for awhile with her and see if things became more regular before going to the hospital. I certainly didn't want to go to the hospital if it was just labor -- my plan had been to labor at home as long as possible, so the last thing I wanted was to go to the hospital and be sent home.
Our doula came over and found me squatting on the floor of our den, rocking back and forth on my hands and knees. That's how I spent much of the next 12 hours before going to the hospital. During that time, I also rocked in a rocking chair, showered some more, ate some food, paced around, stressed over my conflicting feelings about having a baby born on St. Patrick's Day, leaned against the wall, and hugged a birthing ball. I finally fell asleep -- strewn haphazardly across the bed, where I'd been clutching my belly and burrowing my face into the pillows -- and was able to take a nap for an hour or so. (Remember that I'd gone to bed the previous night sometime between 11pm and 1am? And that I woke up several times with the contractions before that awful pain at 2:45am? Yeah, so I was laboring on only about 3 hours of sleep, max.) When I woke up, I went to the bathroom, passed a terrifying amount of blood, and then the contractions stepped up even further. We decided that it was time to go to the hospital. (But not until, for the fourth or fifth time, I asked whether the traffic would be bad because of rush hour, only to be reminded that it was a Sunday.)
We got ready to go and I climbed into the back seat of the car, where I held the head rest of the passenger seat in front of me and tried to stay calm on the drive. The drive actually went better than I'd expected. I think that the distraction and excitement was a good thing. We forgot, unfortunately, that we were supposed to call the midwives back and tell them that we were on our way. I called from the car and, as we pulled up, received a phone call from my doula, who told us that she was at the hospital and that the staff was expecting me.
They put me in a room that was near the waterbirthing suite and started to prep the waterbirthing tub. I was really afraid that I would have only progressed slightly, but an extremely painful cervical check revealed that I was 5 cm dilated and 95% effaced when we arrived. My doula assured me that the anxiety and tension that I felt during the check had probably made my cervix contract, and that she estimated that I was probably more like 6 cm dilated, but I was pleased with 5 cm. I had been so afraid it would be only 2 or 3.
It wasn't far enough to get into the waterbirth tub, though, so I labored in the nice HUGE bathtubs that are in the regular labor rooms at our hospital. (Those tubs were basically the reason that we chose that hospital and they were 100% WORTH IT!)
After a few more hours of laboring, a new midwife came on call and needed to check my cervix again to see if I was ready for the waterbirth tub. At this point, I had been laboring unmedicated for 17 hours and I was starting to lose it emotionally. The midwife tried to check my cervix several times, but it was still posterior and the baby's head was very low, making it difficult. It was also impossible for me to relax because I was in so much pain. We ended up having to use lidocaine jelly to help relieve some of the pain before trying the check again. It made it a little better, but the check revealed that I was still only 6cm dilated and 95% effaced, with a "bulging bag of waters."
I felt totally depleted and frustrated. I was getting more and more scared of the cervical checks, since I knew that I was probably going to have to endure at least two more and the contractions were only going to get worse in the meantime. Ben and our doula tried to get me to let go of my fear, but I began to withdraw from them further and further and feel more isolated.
I went to the bathroom and had an intense contraction while sitting on the toilet. I felt a pop and released a lot of fluid that I thought was blood. I looked in the toilet and didn't see anything except some bubbles at the surface of the water. I told everyone that I thought my water had broken. The nurse looked in the toilet, but it wasn't possible for her to see what color the amniotic fluid was. In order to get a waterbirth, the color of the fluid has to be clear. So she gave me a pad and told me that they'd take a look the next time I had another gush.
I never gushed again (my doula hypothesized that the baby's head slipped in and plugged up the opening, since it had already been so low). My contractions got more intense, though, and so I knew it had broken. I labored out of the tub, waiting for the gush to prove that my water had broken, but eventually, I decided that it wasn't worth the pain and so I got back into the bathtub for awhile.
Ben came in and talked to me about pain management. He felt pretty convinced that, if I could get some rest, it would help me progress. I didn't feel convinced of this, but I was warming to the idea of pain medication because the cervical checks had been so traumatic and painful. I know it probably sounds a little crazy, but the cervical checks really were that bad. Labor was bad enough, but the idea of more cervical checks in addition to increasing labor pains was far worse. The midwife came in and talked to me for a bit and I agreed to the epidural.
The first step in getting the epidural was to get an IV and receive fluids, so I got out of the tub and paused to sit on the toilet for another contraction. It was intense one and it peaked with my body totally taking over and involuntarily pushing. I cried out for help as I half stood up from the pain and the shock of my body pushing. Everyone came into the bathroom and said it was a great sign. My doula said maybe I was complete and could hop into the waterbirth tub and start pushing! My midwife said they needed to do another cervical check, though, and at this point I was more terrified of the cervical checks than anything else. I asked if it was necessary to get it done even if I wasn't planning to do the waterbirth anymore . . . or whether I could get the epidural first. The midwife said that, since it had been awhile since the last check and I was already pushing, they needed to do another check before they could give me the epidural, because I might be too far along to get one.
After another round of lidocaine gel and several more pushing contractions, she did the cervical check. I was only 8 cm dilated, so I wasn't complete. I knew then that I'd have to have at least one more cervical check and I felt even more panicked. I was begging them to do the epidural before it got any harder to stay still and not push. Labor was hard enough but I couldn't even contemplate another cervical check without an epidural at that point.
I was so scared during the epidural. I was sure that I would have another contraction and be unable to sit still during the procedure -- resulting in a dangerous situation. Everyone else in the room was confident that it would be fine, though, and it was. It was painful, but it wasn't nearly as bad as the lumbar punctures that I've had (which were the reason I was scared to get one in the first place). I asked what time I'd received the epidural and it was at exactly 24 hours after I had first woken up with that intense pain the night before. I wonder what the longest record is for a non-induced, active labor. I am sure I don't come close to it, but 24 hours is a long time to have painful contractions that are only a few minutes apart. Especially with only 4 hours of sleep over the course of the last 50 hours. I am sure that others could have still avoided the epidural, but the pain of the cervical checks and the pushing before completion made the epidural well worth it, for me.
The epidural did not take effect immediately, the way that it had been described to me. I think that most people get them when they are earlier in labor (like 4-6 cm dilated, instead of during transition) and so that might be why I didn't feel any relief for awhile. The first few contractions felt exactly the same as they had before, but eventually they faded a bit and my legs started to feel like they were asleep. I could still feel the contractions and they still hurt, but the edge came off of them.
The midwife did another cervical check once the epidural had taken full effect. This was much more tolerable and I instantly became very grateful that I'd gotten it. As expected, I was now complete. The midwife told me that I could start pushing whenever I was ready. My husband had just fallen asleep, though, and this was at about hour 26 of an intense labor, so I decided to give him (and myself) some rest.
I think I dozed off a few times while I waited, although I was still waking up with the contractions. Eventually, the urge to push became overwhelming again and I announced to the room that I was ready and needed them to tell me what to do next.
Pushing was hard work and seemed counter-intuitive because people were holding my legs up as though I should be pushing against them for leverage, but they were telling me to relax them at the same time! Eventually, I just started pretending that my goal was to try to poop, since doing that seemed to produce the correct kind of push.
I pushed for awhile -- I have no idea how long, though -- and I started hearing more and more positive feedback as the folks who were watching saw that the head was making more progress. They asked if I wanted to reach down and touch it and I definitely did not! I had way too much to focus on at that point!
There was another shift change amongst the midwives at this point, so the midwife I'd been seeing had to step out to update the new one who was coming on-call. All of a sudden, I could hear a change in the demeanor of everyone in the room as they became much more excited that the head was making more progress and the nurse told someone to go get the midwife back in there. In a blur, the midwife came in and all of a sudden there was even more excitement. Someone told me to stop pushing and I said that I couldn't stop. I didn't know at the time, but the reason they wanted me to stop pushing was that the cord had been wrapped around the baby's neck. The midwife worked quickly to unwrap it, though, so thankfully it wasn't a problem that I continued to push. All of a sudden, my baby was on my chest. The umbilical cord was rubbing me between my legs and I noticed the discomfort of that before I even realized that there was a baby on me!
They told me to look down and see whether it was a boy or a girl, but my chest was in the way and I couldn't lift myself up to get a better view, and the cord was too short for them to be able to position her higher so that I could see. I told Ben to tell me and he said it was a girl. I remember feeling so surprised and wondering if he was sure!
Our back-up doula (our regular doula had needed to leave) cut the cord and I delivered the placenta without any pitocin (I had originally said in my birth plan that I didn't want it, then decided that I was okay with it, but the midwife said that she thought I was actually going to be fine without it). I had a second degree tear, but she thought it was a third degree at first and so they had an OB come in and take a look. In addition to the epidural, they also had to numb me up with lidocaine. I am glad they did, because when she did the injections I could tell that I could still feel a lot of pain!
The epidural went well overall. I don't regret getting it, although I wonder often about what I would do if we had a second child. Would I try to have a natural birth again? Maybe. After all, second labors are usually much shorter than first labors, so it might be easier the second time around. If I know now that I'm able to endure active labor without any medication for 24 hours, and the average labor of a multiparous woman is 8 hours, then that's a pretty good sign that I could manage a natural labor the second time around. Also, the most pressing reason that I got the epidural was that I couldn't stand the cervical checks, but the cervical checks might not be as painful in the future. I've since read that a posterior cervix makes the checks very painful, and having a posterior cervix for as long as I did is not typical. Apparently, the cervix is supposed to move from posterior to anterior in early labor, or even before labor begins. Some sources, in fact, say that if you have a posterior cervix, it means you aren't in labor yet. As you may recall, my cervix never became anterior until just before I was ready to start pushing. Every cervical check (save the last one, after the epidural, when all that could be felt was the baby's head because it was so low in the birth canal), the midwife would remark on how my cervix was "very posterior" still. That fact, in combination with how low the baby's head was, meant that it was incredibly difficult for the midwives to perform the check without causing me excruciating pain. So, in the future, I might still have a stubbornly posterior cervix (which would probably prompt me to get an epidural), or it might move to an anterior position early on, when it's supposed to.
The tricky bit, of course, is that if I were to get an epidural, I'd probably avoid getting it while in transition or while pushing -- it was a scary time to get it. But if I'd gotten it earlier, it might have slowed down my labor. And being confined to the bed and having the IV in my hand was one thing for 4 hours, but I think it would have driven me nuts if I'd had to do it for all 28 hours of my labor. As it was, I think it actually worked out pretty well, since I was able to move around and be free of the IV for a long time, but was able to eventually have significantly decreased pain when it came to the worst parts of labor.
Thankfully, I should have some time to think about whether I'd get an epidural again, and, if so, at what point. For now, I'm just going to enjoy some snuggles with my infant.
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After seeing the mucus plug on the evening of my due date, I went to bed feeling some contractions that were coming every 15 minutes or so. It was fairly late when I finally shuffled off to bed, although I can’t remember the exact hour. Sometime between 11pm and 1pm, I think.
I woke up several times with the pains and would sometimes half-heartedly time them, but at about 2:45am I woke up with pain that would simply not go away. It felt like gas pain and it was excruciating. I tried using the toilet, crouching on all fours in bed, both of which resulted in some flatulence (sorry if that’s a bit too much info), but not a significant decrease in the pain. A few times I would think that it was fading, but as soon as I'd lie down again to try going back to sleep, I would be overwhelmed by an intense, undeniable pain. When I found myself kneeling on the bed and making a circular motion with my upper body and moaning, I decided that this was a pain that warranted waking Ben up. It didn’t feel like it could be a contraction. According to my timer, the pain had been going on for 34 minutes and there was no change in my belly tightness – it felt equally tight throughout the entire time. Everyone had told me that "real" contractions should have a distinct beginning and end, and they should be about 30-90 seconds in duration.
Ben came in and rubbed my back and we called our doula to ask what it could be. She said she wasn’t sure and advised me to call the midwives. When we called the midwife on call, she told me to take a warm shower and see if that helped. If it didn’t get any better, then she wanted me to come in to the hospital to get checked out.
The pain was on-going and the belly tightness wasn't changing, but I had a hunch because of the bloody show the previous night that this could be labor. I had also noticed that it would get worse at various times, although I couldn't ever really feel it getting better. Once in the shower, I asked Ben to just time the interval between the "peak" pains that were occurring within what I perceived as one long contraction. I stopped trying to feel my belly for changes in tightness or expect the pain to fade significantly. I basically gave up on measuring duration of the contraction, since I couldn't perceive it fading, only getting worse. All I’d do is start moaning when the pain would get worse, Ben would start the timer, and then when the pain would intensify further, I would moan and he’d see how long it had been since the previous "peak." In doing this, we realized that there was a clearer pattern of pains intensifying every 2-5 minutes.
We called our doula back and told her that we were going to go in to the hospital, since we'd done the "shower test" and the pain was definitely not getting any better. Our doula said that, based on our timing of the "peak pains," it seemed as though it was labor and asked whether we wanted to labor at home for awhile with her and see if things became more regular before going to the hospital. I certainly didn't want to go to the hospital if it was just labor -- my plan had been to labor at home as long as possible, so the last thing I wanted was to go to the hospital and be sent home.
Our doula came over and found me squatting on the floor of our den, rocking back and forth on my hands and knees. That's how I spent much of the next 12 hours before going to the hospital. During that time, I also rocked in a rocking chair, showered some more, ate some food, paced around, stressed over my conflicting feelings about having a baby born on St. Patrick's Day, leaned against the wall, and hugged a birthing ball. I finally fell asleep -- strewn haphazardly across the bed, where I'd been clutching my belly and burrowing my face into the pillows -- and was able to take a nap for an hour or so. (Remember that I'd gone to bed the previous night sometime between 11pm and 1am? And that I woke up several times with the contractions before that awful pain at 2:45am? Yeah, so I was laboring on only about 3 hours of sleep, max.) When I woke up, I went to the bathroom, passed a terrifying amount of blood, and then the contractions stepped up even further. We decided that it was time to go to the hospital. (But not until, for the fourth or fifth time, I asked whether the traffic would be bad because of rush hour, only to be reminded that it was a Sunday.)
We got ready to go and I climbed into the back seat of the car, where I held the head rest of the passenger seat in front of me and tried to stay calm on the drive. The drive actually went better than I'd expected. I think that the distraction and excitement was a good thing. We forgot, unfortunately, that we were supposed to call the midwives back and tell them that we were on our way. I called from the car and, as we pulled up, received a phone call from my doula, who told us that she was at the hospital and that the staff was expecting me.
They put me in a room that was near the waterbirthing suite and started to prep the waterbirthing tub. I was really afraid that I would have only progressed slightly, but an extremely painful cervical check revealed that I was 5 cm dilated and 95% effaced when we arrived. My doula assured me that the anxiety and tension that I felt during the check had probably made my cervix contract, and that she estimated that I was probably more like 6 cm dilated, but I was pleased with 5 cm. I had been so afraid it would be only 2 or 3.
It wasn't far enough to get into the waterbirth tub, though, so I labored in the nice HUGE bathtubs that are in the regular labor rooms at our hospital. (Those tubs were basically the reason that we chose that hospital and they were 100% WORTH IT!)
After a few more hours of laboring, a new midwife came on call and needed to check my cervix again to see if I was ready for the waterbirth tub. At this point, I had been laboring unmedicated for 17 hours and I was starting to lose it emotionally. The midwife tried to check my cervix several times, but it was still posterior and the baby's head was very low, making it difficult. It was also impossible for me to relax because I was in so much pain. We ended up having to use lidocaine jelly to help relieve some of the pain before trying the check again. It made it a little better, but the check revealed that I was still only 6cm dilated and 95% effaced, with a "bulging bag of waters."
I felt totally depleted and frustrated. I was getting more and more scared of the cervical checks, since I knew that I was probably going to have to endure at least two more and the contractions were only going to get worse in the meantime. Ben and our doula tried to get me to let go of my fear, but I began to withdraw from them further and further and feel more isolated.
I went to the bathroom and had an intense contraction while sitting on the toilet. I felt a pop and released a lot of fluid that I thought was blood. I looked in the toilet and didn't see anything except some bubbles at the surface of the water. I told everyone that I thought my water had broken. The nurse looked in the toilet, but it wasn't possible for her to see what color the amniotic fluid was. In order to get a waterbirth, the color of the fluid has to be clear. So she gave me a pad and told me that they'd take a look the next time I had another gush.
I never gushed again (my doula hypothesized that the baby's head slipped in and plugged up the opening, since it had already been so low). My contractions got more intense, though, and so I knew it had broken. I labored out of the tub, waiting for the gush to prove that my water had broken, but eventually, I decided that it wasn't worth the pain and so I got back into the bathtub for awhile.
Ben came in and talked to me about pain management. He felt pretty convinced that, if I could get some rest, it would help me progress. I didn't feel convinced of this, but I was warming to the idea of pain medication because the cervical checks had been so traumatic and painful. I know it probably sounds a little crazy, but the cervical checks really were that bad. Labor was bad enough, but the idea of more cervical checks in addition to increasing labor pains was far worse. The midwife came in and talked to me for a bit and I agreed to the epidural.
The first step in getting the epidural was to get an IV and receive fluids, so I got out of the tub and paused to sit on the toilet for another contraction. It was intense one and it peaked with my body totally taking over and involuntarily pushing. I cried out for help as I half stood up from the pain and the shock of my body pushing. Everyone came into the bathroom and said it was a great sign. My doula said maybe I was complete and could hop into the waterbirth tub and start pushing! My midwife said they needed to do another cervical check, though, and at this point I was more terrified of the cervical checks than anything else. I asked if it was necessary to get it done even if I wasn't planning to do the waterbirth anymore . . . or whether I could get the epidural first. The midwife said that, since it had been awhile since the last check and I was already pushing, they needed to do another check before they could give me the epidural, because I might be too far along to get one.
After another round of lidocaine gel and several more pushing contractions, she did the cervical check. I was only 8 cm dilated, so I wasn't complete. I knew then that I'd have to have at least one more cervical check and I felt even more panicked. I was begging them to do the epidural before it got any harder to stay still and not push. Labor was hard enough but I couldn't even contemplate another cervical check without an epidural at that point.
I was so scared during the epidural. I was sure that I would have another contraction and be unable to sit still during the procedure -- resulting in a dangerous situation. Everyone else in the room was confident that it would be fine, though, and it was. It was painful, but it wasn't nearly as bad as the lumbar punctures that I've had (which were the reason I was scared to get one in the first place). I asked what time I'd received the epidural and it was at exactly 24 hours after I had first woken up with that intense pain the night before. I wonder what the longest record is for a non-induced, active labor. I am sure I don't come close to it, but 24 hours is a long time to have painful contractions that are only a few minutes apart. Especially with only 4 hours of sleep over the course of the last 50 hours. I am sure that others could have still avoided the epidural, but the pain of the cervical checks and the pushing before completion made the epidural well worth it, for me.
The epidural did not take effect immediately, the way that it had been described to me. I think that most people get them when they are earlier in labor (like 4-6 cm dilated, instead of during transition) and so that might be why I didn't feel any relief for awhile. The first few contractions felt exactly the same as they had before, but eventually they faded a bit and my legs started to feel like they were asleep. I could still feel the contractions and they still hurt, but the edge came off of them.
The midwife did another cervical check once the epidural had taken full effect. This was much more tolerable and I instantly became very grateful that I'd gotten it. As expected, I was now complete. The midwife told me that I could start pushing whenever I was ready. My husband had just fallen asleep, though, and this was at about hour 26 of an intense labor, so I decided to give him (and myself) some rest.
I think I dozed off a few times while I waited, although I was still waking up with the contractions. Eventually, the urge to push became overwhelming again and I announced to the room that I was ready and needed them to tell me what to do next.
Pushing was hard work and seemed counter-intuitive because people were holding my legs up as though I should be pushing against them for leverage, but they were telling me to relax them at the same time! Eventually, I just started pretending that my goal was to try to poop, since doing that seemed to produce the correct kind of push.
I pushed for awhile -- I have no idea how long, though -- and I started hearing more and more positive feedback as the folks who were watching saw that the head was making more progress. They asked if I wanted to reach down and touch it and I definitely did not! I had way too much to focus on at that point!
There was another shift change amongst the midwives at this point, so the midwife I'd been seeing had to step out to update the new one who was coming on-call. All of a sudden, I could hear a change in the demeanor of everyone in the room as they became much more excited that the head was making more progress and the nurse told someone to go get the midwife back in there. In a blur, the midwife came in and all of a sudden there was even more excitement. Someone told me to stop pushing and I said that I couldn't stop. I didn't know at the time, but the reason they wanted me to stop pushing was that the cord had been wrapped around the baby's neck. The midwife worked quickly to unwrap it, though, so thankfully it wasn't a problem that I continued to push. All of a sudden, my baby was on my chest. The umbilical cord was rubbing me between my legs and I noticed the discomfort of that before I even realized that there was a baby on me!
They told me to look down and see whether it was a boy or a girl, but my chest was in the way and I couldn't lift myself up to get a better view, and the cord was too short for them to be able to position her higher so that I could see. I told Ben to tell me and he said it was a girl. I remember feeling so surprised and wondering if he was sure!
Our back-up doula (our regular doula had needed to leave) cut the cord and I delivered the placenta without any pitocin (I had originally said in my birth plan that I didn't want it, then decided that I was okay with it, but the midwife said that she thought I was actually going to be fine without it). I had a second degree tear, but she thought it was a third degree at first and so they had an OB come in and take a look. In addition to the epidural, they also had to numb me up with lidocaine. I am glad they did, because when she did the injections I could tell that I could still feel a lot of pain!
The epidural went well overall. I don't regret getting it, although I wonder often about what I would do if we had a second child. Would I try to have a natural birth again? Maybe. After all, second labors are usually much shorter than first labors, so it might be easier the second time around. If I know now that I'm able to endure active labor without any medication for 24 hours, and the average labor of a multiparous woman is 8 hours, then that's a pretty good sign that I could manage a natural labor the second time around. Also, the most pressing reason that I got the epidural was that I couldn't stand the cervical checks, but the cervical checks might not be as painful in the future. I've since read that a posterior cervix makes the checks very painful, and having a posterior cervix for as long as I did is not typical. Apparently, the cervix is supposed to move from posterior to anterior in early labor, or even before labor begins. Some sources, in fact, say that if you have a posterior cervix, it means you aren't in labor yet. As you may recall, my cervix never became anterior until just before I was ready to start pushing. Every cervical check (save the last one, after the epidural, when all that could be felt was the baby's head because it was so low in the birth canal), the midwife would remark on how my cervix was "very posterior" still. That fact, in combination with how low the baby's head was, meant that it was incredibly difficult for the midwives to perform the check without causing me excruciating pain. So, in the future, I might still have a stubbornly posterior cervix (which would probably prompt me to get an epidural), or it might move to an anterior position early on, when it's supposed to.
The tricky bit, of course, is that if I were to get an epidural, I'd probably avoid getting it while in transition or while pushing -- it was a scary time to get it. But if I'd gotten it earlier, it might have slowed down my labor. And being confined to the bed and having the IV in my hand was one thing for 4 hours, but I think it would have driven me nuts if I'd had to do it for all 28 hours of my labor. As it was, I think it actually worked out pretty well, since I was able to move around and be free of the IV for a long time, but was able to eventually have significantly decreased pain when it came to the worst parts of labor.
Thankfully, I should have some time to think about whether I'd get an epidural again, and, if so, at what point. For now, I'm just going to enjoy some snuggles with my infant.
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Saturday, March 16, 2013
A Light at the End of the Tunnel
Yesterday and today have been strange. Something's different.
EDIT: Just after posting this, I got another contraction -- fourteen and a half minutes after the previous one. Pretty cool how they get into a rhythm, no?
Yesterday, we had a nice long visit with Casey and her baby, Asher. During the visit, I realized that I hadn't noticed the baby move all morning. I grew concerned, drank some orange juice, and did an official "kick count" for the next two hours. The baby just barely reached the "10 movements within 2 hours" marker, but we figured that all was within normal limits, just a little unusual for Bambin@.
Later in the evening, there were no worries about Bambin@'s movements. The baby was moving -- and moving strangely. They were low, painful twisting and wrenching movements that, at one point, almost made me feel as though I was going numb in my lower abdomen. I kept saying to my belly, "What are you doing in there? Aren't you engaged enough?" After all, at my last appointment, the midwife had made it seem as though the baby's head was locked and loaded, ready for labor.
Over the past few days, I'd been trying out the contraction timer. But since my contractions would often come on gradually and taper off slowly, it was hard to use it meaningfully. But I'd noticed an increase in the intensity of the contractions over the past couple days, so when one hit at 7:30, I noted the time just by looking at the clock. When the next one hit, I noticed the time was 8pm, the next at around 8:30, the next at 9:00, etc. It was the first time that my contractions had ever come in a distinctly timeable way. It wasn't that I was staring at the clock and thinking, "Is this a contraction?" when the designated time approached, either. I noticed the pattern just with me glancing at the clock when I noticed a contraction. It was pretty cool to have an actual pattern.
Eventually, I started to succumb to the clock-watching, though and so I decided that it was time to get some rest. The contractions were still 5-10 minutes in duration, and painful. So they were taking a lot out of me, despite the long spacing. I called the midwives and double-checked to make sure it would be safe to take a sleep aid even if I was in early labor. She gave me the green light to do so and encouraged me to rest up. Even with the sleep aid, I woke up with the contractions several times during the night. The pain was pretty intense at times, but I was still able to get back to sleep after it was over. Interestingly, many of the times that I woke up with a contraction were close to the top or bottom of the hour, making me think that the 30-minute spacing was maintained throughout the night.
In the morning, I grew weary of watching the clock and, after calling my doula, was advised that it would be better to ignore the clock at this point anyway. It had been satisfying to notice a regular pattern, but I was ready for some distraction. I went to the Free Ink Day at the Highpoint Center for Printmaking. I'd mentally put this on my calendar a few months ago, when I realized that it would be a good idea to have a fun consolation prize if my due date rolled around and I still had no baby. I made two prints, one of which I think I might hang in the baby's room. While printmaking, my contractions slowed to only a couple over the course of two hours.
When I got home, I had a few more and was exhausted. I took a long nap and was awakened by an extremely painful contraction. After it finally passed, I texted with my doula for a bit, cried for a bit about how frustrating it is to have such long, painful contractions but with such distant and discouraging spacing, and then headed to the bathroom.
I'd been expecting the bloody show for the last few weeks, with no result. I had pretty much given up on the idea that I would have this particular early labor sign, since there weren't even tiny specs of color on the toilet tissue. So seeing "the show" on the toilet tissue this evening was pretty surprising. What was kind of awesome about it was that it got grosser and more bloody with each subsequent wipe. I'll end my description there, but if you're curious, feel free to ask.
After seeing the bloody show, my mood changed entirely. I feel less discouraged and more optimistic. My body is showing some normal signs of early labor. Even if I'd prefer to have more "normal" contractions, I am reassured by the fact that there is a tangible, visible sign of impending labor that has been observed, rather than just my weirdo contractions alone.
Ironically, since the bloody show, my contractions have been getting a little more "normal." They've increased in intensity, but they've reduced in length to about 2-5 minutes, rather than 5-10 minutes long. And they've been coming on with a more intense start and a more noticeable finish, which makes the after-contraction period much more manageable. Before, it had felt like 10 minutes of contraction, followed by another several minutes of soreness and exhaustion. Even though these ones hurt more, they are over faster and there's an actual rest at the end of them. The rest is nice and long, too, since they're still pretty far apart -- about every 45 minutes for the past few hours. (Although the last one was just fourteen and a half minutes after the previous one, so we'll see...)
I'm pretty excited. I know that it could still be awhile and, at this point, I'm pretty okay with that. I'm not sure that this kid would like having to share a birthday with St. Patrick's Day, so we can take this slowly and wait awhile. Maybe this is why Bambin@ waited until just after Pi Day to give me any signs of impending labor -- just to make sure that I wouldn't be stressed about trying to get him/her out in a hurry.
EDIT: Just after posting this, I got another contraction -- fourteen and a half minutes after the previous one. Pretty cool how they get into a rhythm, no?
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Pi Day
It's past midnight. March 14 has come and gone and I still have no baby. I know that this probably seems terribly silly, but ever since I found out my due date -- heck, ever since I was charting and saw that, if I got pregnant in that particular month, our baby's due date would be close to Pi Day -- I have been yearning for a Pi Day baby.
It would have been easier for me if the baby had come two weeks ago. But the days passed and I still had no baby. With each passing day that I didn't go into labor, I decided that it was a good sign that the baby would come on Pi Day, making it all worthwhile. When people asked whether I was going to have my membranes stripped or whether our midwives would take other actions to speed up labor in order to make it happen, my reply was a definite, "Of course not! We want the baby to come when it's ready . . ." But deep down inside, I wanted it to come on my timeline. My nerdy timeline. And somehow, I started to believe that the baby's timeline and my timeline would line up. After all, it's my baby, right? Shouldn't a Pi Day birthday be as important to the baby as it is to me?
This morning, one of the teachers at school called me and held up the phone while the students sang "Happy Pi Day" to me, which was incredibly sweet. Earlier in the week, I'd made and delivered a Pi Day card for my students (which I'd decorated with a spiral of 684 digits of Pi in alternating colors . . . very cathartic) and I was excited that they'd thought to wish me a Happy Pi Day in return. I told the teacher that I thought that the baby was planning on spending Pi Day inside the uterus, but even as I said it, I was hoping that the next 15 hours would bring me a baby.
At Ben's suggestion, I decided to distract myself by measuring the circumference of my belly -- which I hadn't done all throughout the pregnancy. 42 inches. I sent the figure to the staff members at school, encouraging them to challenge students to find the radius and diameter of the belly in celebration of the day. That made me feel good and nerdy. Ben reassured me that the baby's interest in staying inside the womb on Pi Day was an indication of it's appreciation of spheres, which made me feel better too.
But nevertheless, I'm embarrassed to say that this day has had me spontaneously bursting into tears on several occasions. It's silly, I know, but somehow I feel like every day that the baby doesn't come is a personal rejection of me as it's mother. Like Bambin@ doesn't trust that I'll be a good parent and so is therefore trying to postpone the inevitable disappointment. As I write that out, it sounds completely ridiculous, but it's kind of surprising just how real it feels.
It's kind of like the feeling you'd have if you thought someone might be planning a surprise party for you and then you realized that they weren't. You'd feel a little foolish for having gotten your hopes up in the first place, and a little rejected because you'd realize that they weren't thinking about you in the way that you'd thought they were. With this, it's like every day I am expecting a surprise party -- which is already pure torture when it's been going on for two weeks, but is particularly bad when the realization sets in that it wasn't even as though the baby was holding out for a special occasion and that's the reason why it hadn't happened sooner. Sound a little crazy? If so, that's because it is.
A week ago, I started to make a list of all the upcoming dates on which this baby could be born, and tried to come up with reasons why each and every one of them would be great. Unfortunately, I brainstormed chronologically, so all of the reasons that I've found are for days that are now already passed. I should perhaps work backwards. Starting with 3/31/13 (which is, admittedly, a pretty cool date) and working backwards to the present day. That way, rather than looking forward to a date that is still 2 days earlier than the 40 week mark, I can hold out hope for a date that is at 42w1d, and therefore less likely to disappoint me by coming and going with no baby in sight.
But with my luck, this baby will make an April Fool out of me.
It would have been easier for me if the baby had come two weeks ago. But the days passed and I still had no baby. With each passing day that I didn't go into labor, I decided that it was a good sign that the baby would come on Pi Day, making it all worthwhile. When people asked whether I was going to have my membranes stripped or whether our midwives would take other actions to speed up labor in order to make it happen, my reply was a definite, "Of course not! We want the baby to come when it's ready . . ." But deep down inside, I wanted it to come on my timeline. My nerdy timeline. And somehow, I started to believe that the baby's timeline and my timeline would line up. After all, it's my baby, right? Shouldn't a Pi Day birthday be as important to the baby as it is to me?
This morning, one of the teachers at school called me and held up the phone while the students sang "Happy Pi Day" to me, which was incredibly sweet. Earlier in the week, I'd made and delivered a Pi Day card for my students (which I'd decorated with a spiral of 684 digits of Pi in alternating colors . . . very cathartic) and I was excited that they'd thought to wish me a Happy Pi Day in return. I told the teacher that I thought that the baby was planning on spending Pi Day inside the uterus, but even as I said it, I was hoping that the next 15 hours would bring me a baby.
At Ben's suggestion, I decided to distract myself by measuring the circumference of my belly -- which I hadn't done all throughout the pregnancy. 42 inches. I sent the figure to the staff members at school, encouraging them to challenge students to find the radius and diameter of the belly in celebration of the day. That made me feel good and nerdy. Ben reassured me that the baby's interest in staying inside the womb on Pi Day was an indication of it's appreciation of spheres, which made me feel better too.
But nevertheless, I'm embarrassed to say that this day has had me spontaneously bursting into tears on several occasions. It's silly, I know, but somehow I feel like every day that the baby doesn't come is a personal rejection of me as it's mother. Like Bambin@ doesn't trust that I'll be a good parent and so is therefore trying to postpone the inevitable disappointment. As I write that out, it sounds completely ridiculous, but it's kind of surprising just how real it feels.
It's kind of like the feeling you'd have if you thought someone might be planning a surprise party for you and then you realized that they weren't. You'd feel a little foolish for having gotten your hopes up in the first place, and a little rejected because you'd realize that they weren't thinking about you in the way that you'd thought they were. With this, it's like every day I am expecting a surprise party -- which is already pure torture when it's been going on for two weeks, but is particularly bad when the realization sets in that it wasn't even as though the baby was holding out for a special occasion and that's the reason why it hadn't happened sooner. Sound a little crazy? If so, that's because it is.
A week ago, I started to make a list of all the upcoming dates on which this baby could be born, and tried to come up with reasons why each and every one of them would be great. Unfortunately, I brainstormed chronologically, so all of the reasons that I've found are for days that are now already passed. I should perhaps work backwards. Starting with 3/31/13 (which is, admittedly, a pretty cool date) and working backwards to the present day. That way, rather than looking forward to a date that is still 2 days earlier than the 40 week mark, I can hold out hope for a date that is at 42w1d, and therefore less likely to disappoint me by coming and going with no baby in sight.
But with my luck, this baby will make an April Fool out of me.
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Nine Months
Today was a rough day for me. Today I am nine months pregnant exactly and I feel like my emotions are kind of all over the place. I feel anxious and scared about the impending birth, impatient and frustrated that I have no control over it, stressed about things that I need or want to do before the baby arrives, and excited and happy that I'll get to meet my baby soon. All at the same time.
Part of the drama is that our doula is going out of town soon, and she'll be out of town for four days this week (until the day before the due date). We've known this all along and we've met the back-up doula and we feel comfortable with her, but there's still a sense of nervousness. I think all along I had kind of thought that the baby would come before she left town, and so it would have been a moot point. But this morning, as I was having some contractions that made me think, "Is this the start of something?" I realized that, if it were, I would need to give birth in the next day and a half if I wanted our doula to be there. All of a sudden, I stopped wanting the baby to come early and started hoping it would wait until she was back in town. This was immediately replaced by a fear that Bambin@ will come late and I'd only have a few weeks with him/her before having to go back to work. So, as you can see, I don't know what to hope for . . . not that it matters, I suppose. Statistically speaking, at this point I have a 1 out of 3 chance that Bambin@ will arrive before the due date, but less than a 4% chance that Bambin@ will arrive before the doula leaves town. So the most likely occurrence is that the birth will happen after she's back in town (yay!) but that will be when I'm overdue and anxious about the fact that Bambin@ is wasting away the time that we have left of my maternity leave by just hanging out in my uterus (nay!).
The contractions, by the way, turned out to be nothing. And even though the cashier at Target this evening said that she thought I was going to have the baby "tonight or tomorrow," I'm not holding my breath.
Part of the drama is that our doula is going out of town soon, and she'll be out of town for four days this week (until the day before the due date). We've known this all along and we've met the back-up doula and we feel comfortable with her, but there's still a sense of nervousness. I think all along I had kind of thought that the baby would come before she left town, and so it would have been a moot point. But this morning, as I was having some contractions that made me think, "Is this the start of something?" I realized that, if it were, I would need to give birth in the next day and a half if I wanted our doula to be there. All of a sudden, I stopped wanting the baby to come early and started hoping it would wait until she was back in town. This was immediately replaced by a fear that Bambin@ will come late and I'd only have a few weeks with him/her before having to go back to work. So, as you can see, I don't know what to hope for . . . not that it matters, I suppose. Statistically speaking, at this point I have a 1 out of 3 chance that Bambin@ will arrive before the due date, but less than a 4% chance that Bambin@ will arrive before the doula leaves town. So the most likely occurrence is that the birth will happen after she's back in town (yay!) but that will be when I'm overdue and anxious about the fact that Bambin@ is wasting away the time that we have left of my maternity leave by just hanging out in my uterus (nay!).
The contractions, by the way, turned out to be nothing. And even though the cashier at Target this evening said that she thought I was going to have the baby "tonight or tomorrow," I'm not holding my breath.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Let's just see who blinks first . . .
I've decided that it is best if I begin to accept the possibility that I will be pregnant forever.
It's not that I'm terribly shocked that I haven't gone into labor yet. I'm only 38 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Despite the fact that my mom's longest pregnancy was a week shorter than what I am now (thanks Mom, for giving me totally unrealistic expectations of myself . . .), and despite the fact that I've been contracting painfully for weeks now, I am aware of the statistical unlikelihood of having given birth by 38 weeks and 3 days. In fact, it's because of the fact that it's entirely possible that this pregnancy will last another four weeks that I think it would be best if I prepared myself for the less-likely-but-there's-a-first-time-for-everything chance that I will be pregnant for the rest of my life.
I feel very strongly that this baby is ready to come out. I know that babies come on their own timeline and that it's best not to "rush baby" ahead of that timeline, but I still have a strong feeling that Bambin@ is ready for the outside world. But for some reason, our little procrastinator is stalling. And if I accept the fact that our baby can stall, then, well, I must accept the possibility that it could stall indefinitely.
So here we go. Here would be some of the possible advantages to this baby staying in there forever:
1. No diapers to change or milk to pump. Bambin@'s needs are being addressed efficiently from inside the womb.
2. Never having to baby-proof the house or worry about finding someone to watch the baby while we're out. Bambin@ can come with us to restaurants, movies, etc and we'd never have to worry about him/her throwing a fit.
3. I can rock and sing to Bambin@ and never have to worry about whether my soothing techniques are "working" or not.
4. I can keep all of Bambin@'s books and toys for myself.
5. I look super cute in maternity clothes.
Hear that, kiddo? I know you're stubborn, but I'm stubborn too. If you're in this for the long haul, I can wait it out as well. You just watch.
I am, of course, aware of the fact that it isn't actually healthy for either myself or Bambin@ to continue this pregnancy indefinitely. But for the purposes of this showdown, I'm assuming a placenta of infinite freshness, a womb of plentiful space and amniotic fluid, etc.
It's not that I'm terribly shocked that I haven't gone into labor yet. I'm only 38 weeks and 3 days pregnant. Despite the fact that my mom's longest pregnancy was a week shorter than what I am now (thanks Mom, for giving me totally unrealistic expectations of myself . . .), and despite the fact that I've been contracting painfully for weeks now, I am aware of the statistical unlikelihood of having given birth by 38 weeks and 3 days. In fact, it's because of the fact that it's entirely possible that this pregnancy will last another four weeks that I think it would be best if I prepared myself for the less-likely-but-there's-a-first-time-for-everything chance that I will be pregnant for the rest of my life.
I feel very strongly that this baby is ready to come out. I know that babies come on their own timeline and that it's best not to "rush baby" ahead of that timeline, but I still have a strong feeling that Bambin@ is ready for the outside world. But for some reason, our little procrastinator is stalling. And if I accept the fact that our baby can stall, then, well, I must accept the possibility that it could stall indefinitely.
So here we go. Here would be some of the possible advantages to this baby staying in there forever:
1. No diapers to change or milk to pump. Bambin@'s needs are being addressed efficiently from inside the womb.
2. Never having to baby-proof the house or worry about finding someone to watch the baby while we're out. Bambin@ can come with us to restaurants, movies, etc and we'd never have to worry about him/her throwing a fit.
3. I can rock and sing to Bambin@ and never have to worry about whether my soothing techniques are "working" or not.
4. I can keep all of Bambin@'s books and toys for myself.
5. I look super cute in maternity clothes.
Hear that, kiddo? I know you're stubborn, but I'm stubborn too. If you're in this for the long haul, I can wait it out as well. You just watch.
I am, of course, aware of the fact that it isn't actually healthy for either myself or Bambin@ to continue this pregnancy indefinitely. But for the purposes of this showdown, I'm assuming a placenta of infinite freshness, a womb of plentiful space and amniotic fluid, etc.
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